07/30/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Remaining Celebrities Moved Underground For Safety

Following a spate of deaths that include Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, David Carradine and Gale Storm, all remaining celebrities in the United States have been moved to an undisclosed site where they will be under constant watch and protection. "Celebrities are our most precious natural--and national--resource," says Timothy Barcastle, spokesperson for The Betty Ford Celebrity Relocation Institute (BFCRI), under whose auspices the site was created. "It is our duty to make sure they remain alive for the public to worship and adore and grieve over in a timely, measured fashion."

That famed site, unknown by the general public until now, was built as a temporary safe haven for celebrities to hide from TMZ and other like-minded media reporters but has been adapted for the current emergency. "We will keep our celebrities safe until enough non-celebrities have been taken to even the score," says Barcastle. "If The Grim Reaper wants any more celebrities, he's going to have a tough time finding them." The Grim Reaper, in a press conference broadcast on The History Channel, succinctly noted, "Whatever."

The BFCRI-sponsored site has been described as a vast and impenetrable underground network, with enough food, water, and gift bags to last for several years. According to a press release, it is currently sheltering "instantly recognizable luminaries from the world of sports, films, TV, politics, economics, and miscellaneous/potpourri." Although no specific names were released, rumor has it that top private suites belong to Elizabeth Taylor, Muhammad Ali, Stephen Hawking, and Ashton Kutcher while lesser stars such as Jimmy Carter and Madonna are bunking with Dick Cavett and the original cast members of the PBS show "Zoom."

Some controversy has arisen over the names of people who were not allowed into the BFCRI-sponsored site, a list which includes Kate Hudson, Perez Hilton, Rosie O'Donnell, and Spencer Pratt. "The definition of 'celebrity' changes from moment to moment," says Barcastle. "We wish all non-celebrities the very best." Spencer Pratt's publicist assured us that Mr. Pratt is, indeed, a major celebrity and, thus, safe inside the undisclosed site but photographers caught him outside the main BFCRI offices just this morning, begging for his life like a little sissy girl.

As to the demand for celebrity news, Barcastle assures us, "There is more than enough coverage of recently dead celebrities to last for months, even years, and adequately feed a public entirely willing to lap it all up like salivating dogs. And when that runs out, a new breed of celebrities will be created to supplant the old ones if we have not yet released them."

Says The Grim Reaper, "Bring 'em all on. I'll be waiting."