09/19/2013 12:45 pm ET Updated Nov 19, 2013

Russia, U.S. to Help Syria Transition Back to Killing Its Population With Regular Weapons

As the threat of immediate military intervention in Syria has been averted, the United States and Russia are working diligently to help President Bashar Assad transition back to killing his civilian population with regular weapons instead of chemical ones. "We know it's hard to go back once you've tasted the high of using chemical weapons against your own people," said White House spokesperson Frederick Lullamoche. "But we think Assad has it in him to do what's right for his country."

In a statement released this morning, Syrian officials tentatively agree with the framework negotiated by the United States and Russia, in which Syria promises to use only conventional, "old school" methods against its people. "I'd be lying if I said that we want to give up chemical weapons," said Syrian Murder Czar Murhaf Shamoon. "But if missiles, bombs, air attacks, organized massacres and torture were good enough for us before then, damn it, they'll just have to be good enough for us again -- and we're big enough to stand by that claim."

Russian diplomat Leonid Kupetsky says that this is an important step for international diplomacy. "The faster President Assad returns to his normal forms of slaughter, the faster the United States, Russia, and the rest of the world can return to ignoring it."

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.