10/16/2012 11:33 am ET Updated Dec 16, 2012

Do-It-Yourself Obama-Romney Second Debate Story

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With only three weeks to go before (1), all eyes are focused on President Obama and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney as they prepare for their second presidential debate (2). According to (3), both candidates are locked in (4), so Tuesday night is critical, especially for the president coming off his (5) performance in the first debate. The second debate will feature a town hall format which some believe (6). Democratic (7) Timothy Gerlandey predicts the president will (8) this time and suggests "It is important for Obama to (9)." Romney (10) Angela Thalton expects Obama to (11) and notes, "We will simply (12)." Both the Obama and Romney camps continue to (13), but will it be enough to convince (14)? The American people (15).

1. the election; our country's certain doom; we all breathe a sigh of relief that the robo-calls are over; Skyfall opens
2. at Hofstra University; at Chuck E. Cheese's; atop Mount McKinley; in a Passaic storage unit
3. the most recent polls; a derelict someone asked; useless pundits who should be kicked in the head; an infinite number of monkeys
4. a statistical dead heat; mortal combat; a hollowed-out tauntaun; an unknown cellar where Jigsaw tests their will to become president
5. lackluster; cringe-inducing; spirit-crushing; crap-o-rific
6. favors Obama; favors Romney; favors town halls; favors no one watching
7. strategist, drone; back-scratcher; boot-licker
8. be more aggressive; suck just a little bit less; appear to be breathing; magically travel back two weeks to Denver and slap the shit out of himself
9. attack Romney on Bain; say "malarkey" a lot; get up close to Romney, point his finger at him and say "I'm not touching you"; find old videos of Romney drowning the kittens of families making between $50,000 and $100,000 per year
10. adviser; factotum; sycophant; Fabregé egg procurer
11. come out swinging; gnaw Romney's foot off; tempt Romney with coffee; repeatedly sing "Let's Stay Together" to delight Candy Crowley
12. go on attacking Obama's record; reveal that increased security requests for Mr. Snuffleupagus went unanswered by the White House; propose Stacey Dash as Secretary of State
13. lower expectations; offer sacrifices to the great debate gods; secretly write their tell-all books; generally act like cretins
14. undecided voters; independents; any person who can stand and doesn't drool while talking; the same jackasses we see sitting in focus groups after every fucking debate
15. wait to see; smile and do what they're told; prepare to move to Canada; collectively puke