THE BLOG
12/11/2014 05:22 pm ET Updated Feb 10, 2015

Sony Pictures Hires Kim Jong-Un to Direct, Star in 'Spider-Man 3'

In a surprising move, Sony Pictures Entertainment has hired North Korean leader Kim Jong-un to direct and star in The Amazing Spider-Man 3, the latest sequel in the movie studio's superhero franchise. "We at Sony are delighted to be working with such a talented, visionary, and handsome person as Kim Jong-un," said Sony spokesbot Millard Cappistonic. "The ideas he will bring to the next Spider-Man are extraordinary and may revolutionize film as we know it. And did we mention that he's handsome?"

According to Hollywood insiders, the story for the next Spider-Man movie -- which will be known as The Amazing Respected Comrade and Supreme Leader Spider-Man -- will involve hero Peter Parker (played by Jong-un) swiftly rising to the position of All-Powerful Commander of the Former United States and then teaming up with Kim Jong-un (played by Jong-un, in a dual role) to destroy their capitalist enemies. "It's certainly a different take on the Spider-Man legend," explains fanboy Roland Wisetully, who read a leaked online version of the script.

(SPOILER ALERT!) Spider-Man kills Gwen Stacy as a traitor "for all ages" because she was planning some kind of coup although that coup is never explained. Also, Spider-Man's costume is really just kind of a military uniform with the word "webs" written on it. And roughly half the script depicts North Korean women weeping and fainting at the sight of Spider-Man while Seth Rogen and James Franco are pistol-whipped. To be honest, it doesn't exactly fit into the Marvel universe, but it does sound better than The Amazing Spider-Man 2.