06/03/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Spoilers for New Star Trek Movie

(Note: If you get all of these and you're an attractive woman, say around 36 or 37, marry me immediately)

- Warp engines now powered by Java Monster

- During opening credits, Chekov trips over ottoman

- Exception to temporal prime directive: people encouraged to go back in time and kill Dane Cook

- New phaser settings: "hug," "empower," and "donkey punch"

- Extreme Fizzbin Smackdown now galaxy's most popular reality show

- Extraneous crewmen in red tunics given legal choice of dignified suicide or actually beaming down to hostile planet

- Older Spock warns younger Spock not to record "Proud Mary"

- Time-displaced Charles Widmore signs contract with High Council of Gideon to sink exact replica of U.S.S. Enterprise in Sunda Trench

- Young Leonard McCoy wonders why girlfriend Nancy Crater keeps licking salt off every pretzel she sees

- Tribbles forced to undergo painful series of hysterectomies

- Doomsday Machine backstory: was abused as child, turned to smashing planets into rubble

- Transporter converts matter into energy, outsources energy to India where it is reassembled into more cost-efficient matter

- Every seven years, Vulcans get biological urge to stage revival of Noises Off

- Whole crew gets laid 24/7

- Green Orion slave women really more of a teal

- Edith Keeler survived traffic accident, opened chain of "Color Me Mine" studios

- Starfleet Academy is just like Police Academy, only Michael Winslow makes wacky "space" sound effects

- James T. Kirk wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette, learns Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Star Trek: Nemesis, and entire Enterprise series were just bad dreams

- Bloggers fluent in Star Trek lore are worshipped as gods