07/02/2014 02:28 pm ET Updated Sep 01, 2014

Supreme Court Rules Corporations Can Have Their Hearts Broken and Get Tummy Aches

In a 5-to-4 ruling, the Supreme Court has narrowly decided that corporations can have their hearts broken and get tummy aches in the same way as jilted lovers or children who have swallowed plastic toys and eaten too much candy. "Corporations are just like people, and they have to deal with an assortment of melancholy, rejection, boo-boos, and owees," wrote Justice Samuel Alito in the majority opinion. "See them, feel them, touch them, heal them."

In the opinion for Corporation vs. A Slightly Smaller Corporation, Alito goes on to say, "Just because corporations are big doesn't mean they can't appreciate the beauty of a sunrise. Just because you can't see their faces doesn't mean they don't experience hurt or fear or hide in their beds for days and days when someone suddenly dumps them for another corporation -- a smoother, sexier, faster-talking corporation. Oh, good God, the pain. Damn this miserable, unrelenting pain!"

In the dissenting opinion, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote, "Wait -- what the fuck is he talking about?"