THE BLOG
09/08/2014 10:34 am ET Updated Nov 07, 2014

The 2014 Fall TV Schedule (Kind of)

MONDAY

8-9

ABC - Building Hamas Tunnels With the Stars
CBS - Jackie Gleason: Zero Emmys, Jim Parsons: Four Emmys; There Must Be a Legal Limit to How Many Shows Chuck Lorre Can Produce
NBC - The Search for Screeching Instant Has-Beens Continues Unabated
FOX - Something to Keep the Fanboys Happily Jerking Off #482
CW - If There's Anything More Fascinating Than Vampires I'd Sure Like to Know About It
Food Network - Guy Fieri Runs Out of Ideas and Eats Cheerios From the Box
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

9 - 10

CBS - The Key Word Is "Hack"
FOX - The Fifth and Sixth Horsemen of the Apocalypse Are Freezer Burn and Hiccups
CW - Está Embarazada? Oh, Dios Mío!
Bravo - The Real Housewives of Pottery Barn
Discovery Channel - Herbie the Love Bug Gets Restored, With Hilarious Consequences
Disney XD - If You Thought There's No Way to Squeeze More Blood From the George Lucas Turnip, Guess Again
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

10 - 11

ABC - Richard and Kate Will Be Married Over and Over In Every Episode This Season
CBS - NCIS: The Regal Beagle
NBC - Please Let Maggie Gyllenhaal Guest Star So Spader Can Feed Her a Scoop of Creamed Potatoes, a Slice of Butter, Four Peas and All the Ice Cream She Wants **
HGTV - How to Buy a House of the Seven Gables When You Can Only Afford Five of Them
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

TUESDAY

8-9

ABC - I Could Have Puked All Night; Who Put the Bomb in the Rama Lama Rom-Com?
CBS - NCIS: The Legend of Curly's Gold
NBC - See NBC, Monday 8:00pm
FOX - I Sure Hope the Casting People Didn't Pick Contestants Who Might Have Conflicting Personalities!
CW - Something to Keep the Fanboys Happily Jerking Off #2560
TV Land - Little Did Allen Funt Dream That the World Would Eventually Become Candid Camera 24 Fucking Hours a Day
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

9 - 10

ABC - Something to Keep the Fanboys Happily Jerking Off #3571
CBS - NCIS: Kornfield Kounty
NBC - I Don't; Has Anyone Seen Hugh Grant Lately? Is He Okay?
FOX - Please Get Rid of Coach; I Suggest All the People Who Seriously Want an Abortion Episode Go Create Their Own Shows And Have the Times of Their Lives
CW - Christ, At This Point I Think These Guys Are Older Than Christopher Lee
Oprah Winfrey Network - When the World Ends and Only Cockroaches Are Left, Tyler Perry Will Still Be Grinding Out Shit Like This
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

10 - 11

ABC - Bet He Can't Solve How His Show Dies, Huh? Who's With Me, People?
CBS - I Wonder If Northern Lights Knew About ISIS' Progress
NBC - Zero Alarm
National Geographic - I Thought Rewilding Was Advocating Aestheticism and Being Arrested For Gross Indecency
Spike TV - There May Be More Shows About Tattoos On the Air Than Shows About Serial Killers, So That's Something
Syfy - Because There Isn't Enough Zombie-Related Entertainment, We'll Make a Show About the Making of Zombie-Related Entertainment
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

WEDNESDAY

8-9

ABC - Family Sitcom Which Slips By Under the Radar Year After Year Until Syndication #3587; If Molly Picon Isn't In It, I'm Not Watching
CBS - Survivor: Arrakis
NBC - Homicide 'n' Family, Mmm-Mmm, Good!
FOX - Waiting For Someone to Make Gordon Ramsay Eat His Own Brains Like Ray Liotta in Hannibal
CW - Something to Keep the Fanboys Happily Jerking Off #122687
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

9 - 10

ABC - The Bob Newhart Show (1972-78): Zero Emmys, Modern Family: 21 Emmys; Wow, Black TV Families Are Just As Boring As White Ones
CBS - This Season Will Be Different Because -- Ha! Made You Look
NBC - Law & Order: Naked Celebrities Unit
FOX - Teens + Pediatrics = Mawkishness On a Level Unimagined By Humankind
CW - Post-Apocalyptic Worlds Need the Most Love
VH1 - Jenna Jameson AND Juan Pablo Galavis On the Same Show? Pinch Me, I'm Dreaming!
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

10 - 11

ABC - You May Be On Season Three/But It Don't Worry Me
CBS - Eventually TV Will Run Out of Ways to Fictionally Mutilate the Human Body and Start Running Actual Snuff Films
NBC - Chicago Drill Press Operators
A&E - I Want a Bob's Burgers Crossover
Esquire TV - Fellating the Rich
TV Land - Yep, Betty White Is Still Ambulatory; The Spare Parts of the Spare Parts From Sitcoms That Sucked 40 Years Ago
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

THURSDAY

8-9

ABC - Shonda Rhimes McSoapFest™, Flatlined
CBS - Unsportsmanlike Conduct Now Includes Foul Language Aimed at Officials, Players, and Coaches So That Oughta Make the Game a Whole Lot Safer ***
NBC - Yes, We All Go Into a Nuclear Tizzy When Kirsten Gillibrand Is Insulted But Have No Problem Keeping This On the Air
FOX - Bring Gormogon Back to Kill the Cast Except for Emily Whom I Personally Save
CW - Did Someone Say Vampires? Sadly, Yes
Sundance Channel - Whatever Time of Day, Uncle Kent Is On
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

9 - 10

ABC - Shonda Rhimes McSoapFest™, Just Add Politicians
NBC - Motion to Suppress; A, You're Abominable, B, You're Banality, C, You'll Be Cancelled In Three Weeks...
FOX - Insert Doctor Who Joke of Your Choice Here
CW - For a Show Set In the 16th Century, the Characters Have Really Nice Teeth
VH1 - Digitized Boobies and Pee-Pees! Philo Farnsworth Must Be Very, Very Proud
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

10 - 11

ABC - Shonda Rhimes McSoapFest™, Just Add Lawyers
NBC - The Whole Series Turns Out To Be a Novel That Rory Wrote to Make Lorelai and Luke Laugh Hysterically
IFC - Adorable Lyrically Explicit Folk Singers Are Funnier Than Ugly Ones
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

FRIDAY

8-9

ABC - Family Sitcom Which Slips By Under the Radar Year After Year Until Syndication #4266; Wow, Mexican-American TV Families Are Just As Boring As White Ones
CBS - Send Them to Iraq to Fight With the Kurds
NBC - Dateline NBC: Caramel or Nougat: Which Is Stickier?
FOX - To Boost Ratings, the Producers Will Inject One of the Contestants With Ebola
CW - Oh, How Every Improv Brain Poot Is Worth Its Weight In Comedy Gold
AMC - Maybe You Hadn't Heard: Breaking Bad Is Gone
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

9 - 10

ABC - Scrub Daddy Has Made More Than $18 Million
CBS - Only Nine More Seasons and It'll Tie the Original
NBC - Did You Know There's a Fairy Tale Called "The Wishing-Table, The Golden-Ass, and the Cudgel In the Sack"?
FOX - Just In Case the Fanboys Are Momentarily Tricked Into Going Outside On Monday Between 8pm and 9pm
CW - In This Cycle, the Models Analyze Resource Allocation Mechanisms and Develop an Orbital Laser
Country Music Television - Gimme a T! Gimme an I! Gimme a T! Gimme an S!
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

10 - 11

ABC - 20/20: The Stories Even Dateline NBC Wouldn't Touch
CBS - Policing 'n' Family, Mmm-Mmm, Good!
NBC - Go Back to Hell... Please
Cinemax - And Yet, I'd Still Rather Go To the Knickerbocker Hospital Than Grey Sloan Memorial
Destination America - Didn't Scully and Mulder Already Investigate This?
Syfy - It's Like The Walking Dead, Only It's On This Network At This Time On This Day
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing But, When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

SATURDAY

8-9

ABC - Glorifying Our Future NFL Felons
CBS - We Used To Be The Tiffany Network
NBC - Reruns Your DVRs Rejected
FOX - See ABC, Saturday 8:00pm
Hallmark - It's Like a Soap Opera Written By Care Bears
Spike TV - We Run Out of Toothless Vagrants to Arrest and Start Setting Houses on Fire
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

9 - 10

CBS - Perhaps TV Execs Should Switch to Porn on Saturdays
NBC - More Reasons Why Streaming Is Rendering Networks Obsolete
My Lifetime - There's a Spectre Inside Me, His Name Is Reggie And We Get Along Fine
TLC - When They Run Out of "J" Names, The Parents Will Point at the Kids and Make a Noise Like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

10 - 11

CBS - 48 Hours: Exploiting the Memories of Slaughtered Loved Ones for 26 Years
NBC - Second Word, Third Syllable, Sounds Like "Ear"
Animal Planet - True Stories From the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

SUNDAY

8-9

ABC - Hickory Dickory Doe/I Haven't Watched This Show/The Truth I Swear/I Just Don't Care/Hickory Dickory Doe
CBS - Politics 'n' Family, Mmm-Mmm, Good!
NBC - Also, Post-Touchdown Dunks Over the Goalpost Have Been Banned, Making This a Better, More Perfect World For Everyone
FOX - Maybe It's Time to Actually Consider Making Chief Wiggum P.I. and The Love-Matic Grampa; Andre Braugher Is In This And That's Good Enough For Me
Bravo - The Real Housewives of Whatever Fucking City Will Have Them
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

9 - 10

ABC - When Jimi Hendrix Wakes Up, I'll Watch
CBS - In the Premiere Episode, Alicia Is Killed In a Traffic Accident Before Dr. McCoy Can Save Her
FOX - At Least A Million Ways to Die In The West Bombed So We'll Be Spared a Sequel; This Looks Like Shit But at Least Seth MacFarlane Isn't Involved
Food Network - I Like the Name "Veals on Wheels"
AMC - To Top "The Grove," Maggie and Glenn Shoot Themselves When One Of Them Turns While Michonne Gives Birth to Carl's Baby
Destination America - Casper the Friendly Mennonite
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

10 - 11

ABC - Frankly, I Like It Served at Room Temperature
CBS - CSI: Appomattox Court House
E! - I'm Guessing Even Gun Control Advocates Wouldn't Mind Emptying a Few Clips Into These Darlings
FX - Gore Del Tor(o)
Showtime - Insert Plateau Phase Joke Here
CNN - This Just In: Absolutely Nothing, But When We Repeat It Enough Times It Becomes Something, Right?

** In November:
10 - 11: The Sad Thing Is That Katherine Heigl Is About On Par With Our Current CIA Analysts

*** In October:
8 - 9: See CBS 8 - 9; I'd Say This Is the Worst Thing Will Arnett Has Done But Then I Remember Let's Go to Prison
9 - 10: I Hope Charlie Sheen Shows Up and Kills Jon Cryer In the Final Episode As "Adagio For Strings" Plays; Wicked Cancelled
10 - 11: Jeremy Brett Is Still the Best Holmes