THE BLOG
03/22/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The New and Improved Academy Awards!

(Warning: this clocks in at just five minutes shorter than the actual Oscar telecast)

(ext. Kodak Theatre; open on mauve carpet instead of a boring red one, because this is the New and Improved Academy Awards; cut to producers Laurence Mark and Bill Condon, absolutely sure that this year's Oscars telecast won't blow like every other Oscar telecast since Birth of a Nation because...um...well, it just won't, okay?; cut to Mickey Rourke, regaling a group of deaf Laotian tourists with tales of his past degradations; cut to Will Smith, apologizing to the same tourists for "Seven Pounds")

Announcer: Good evening and welcome to the 2009 Academy Awards, Hollywood's blow job of blow jobs, a spectacular reminder of the financial waste that is encouraged and celebrated by the movie industry while the rest of the world is going down an economic shithole. And now, the President of the Motion Picture Academy...Some Industry Drone, Number 587!

(int. Kodak Theatre; audience is seated around a campfire as an Indian shaman recreates scenes from John Ford movies because this is the New and Improved Academy Awards; enter Some Industry Drone, Number 587; cut to Mike Myers and M. Night Shyamalan, wondering where it all went)

Some Industry Drone, Number 587: During these times of economic and political crisis, it is heartening to know that people continue to see movies that inspire and empower us, like Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Bride Wars and Friday the 13th. As long as Americans' Pavlovian reflexes continue to direct them to any piece of multiplex shit, no Hollywood executives ever have to worry about losing their jobs.

(cut to a film montage not actually edited by Chuck Workman but just supervised by him because this is the New and Improved Academy Awards; cut to Salma Hayek breast-feeding the cast of Slumdog Millionaire)

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen--because it's our last-ditch effort to get someone to host who is personable and actually makes movies that people have seen...Hugh Jackman! **

(enter Hugh Jackman, realizing immediately that he is in a no-win situation and thinking how much he would rather be back on the set of Van Helsing; cut to the Jonas Brothers being named Secretary of Commerce; cut to Tyler Perry, finishing his latest film and reselling his soul to the Devil for at least the 400th time)

Hugh Jackman: Tonight's Academy Awards show promises to be completely different from every other Academy Awards show except for its extreme length, its horrible pacing, jokes by Bruce Vilanch, the nominations of films that most of America has never heard of, and the basic format of you, an audience, watching another audience on TV clap for four hours.

(cut to production number with Hugh Jackman and Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger recreating airplane wing-dancing scene from Flying Down to Rio; cut to producers Bill Condon and Laurence Mark sneaking out of the control room when no one is looking, leaving big Bill Condon- and Laurence Mark-shaped holes in the wall behind them)

Announcer: And now, because this is the New and Improved Academy Awards, let's dispense with the technical awards that no one gives a shit about!

(All the nominees for Cinematography, Art-Set Decoration, Costumes, Editing, Sound, Visual Effects and Makeup are on motorcycles inside a giant Globe of Death; Hugh Jackman throws switch, the Oscars are dropped into the Globe and the nominees battle for them using chains, rifles, and machetes; this is, by the way, the only way that Roger Deakins or Kevin O'Connell apparently will ever win)

Announcer: And now, please welcome one of the biggest stars in the world...Killer Chimp!

(Killer Chimp enters, shits on copy of "Little Fockers," rips Christian Bale's face off; cut to Congress, in a rare display of bipartisanship, unanimously passing legislation that forbids Kate Hudson from making any more movies; cut to Joe Pesci playing golf somewhere--can someone check up on him?)

Killer Chimp: The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are Amy Adams, Penelope Cruz, Viola Davis, Taraji P. Henson, and Marisa Tomei...and the Oscar goes to Viola Davis!

(Viola Davis goes to podium, begins emotional speech which is cut off to make room for a New and Improved Academy Awards interactive audience poll--"Who likes polls? Everybody or just almost everybody? Huh?"; cut to Lindsay Lohan, who hasn't been in the news for, like, what? A week? What gives?; cut to the Jonas Brothers resigning as Secretary of Commerce because they thought "there would be, like, hovercrafts and stuff")

Announcer: And now, for his contributions to our culture, to our industry, and for continuing to give Ed McMahon work at least once a year...Jerry Lewis!

(Jerry Lewis is wheeled onto the stage; cut to the death reel editors getting Mickey Rourke's dog in, but waiting until the last possible minute to add Joaquin Phoenix; cut to Angelina Jolie getting plastic surgery to make herself look like Nadya Suleman)

Jerry Lewis: For a multi-faceted genius-humanitarian such as myself, it is indeed a sobering moment to receive this prestigious and...Flayvin!! What with the award from the Hollywood bigshot types and the appreciation and the love coming out of its tucchus...Oy!!

(Jerry sticks the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award up his cortisone-swelled ass, does comical buck-tooth Japanese impression, which is still funnier than anything Dane Cook will ever do; cut to death reel ending with Paul Newman and audience at Kodak Theatre realizing, "Wow, our stars today really, really suck")

Announcer: And now, please welcome two great actors who have made maybe one good film between them in the last ten years...Robert De Niro and Al Pacino!

(Al Pacino and Robert De Niro enter, remembering the days when they were nominated for Academy Awards; cut to Wall*E being named Secretary of Commerce; cut to fanboys jerking off as they wait in line for Watchmen)

Robert De Niro/Al Pacino: The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are Josh Brolin, Robert Downey, Jr.; Philip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger, and Michael Shannon...and the Oscar goes to Heath Ledger!

(A New and Improved Academy Awards Satellite Hookup to the Afterlife is arranged where Heath Ledger and James Dean are having a drink while Peter Finch tells them stories about partying with Peter O'Toole that make Mickey Rourke look like a pussy; meanwhile, the writers receive their Oscars in an undisclosed underground cave as part of last year's strike deal so as not to steal focus from the possible actors' strike which continues to maybe not happen, maybe)

Announcer: Now, please welcome last year's Best Actress winner, a woman who may not believe that man walked on the moon but ooh la la, I'll surrender to her...Marion Cotillard!

(Marion Cotillard enters; cut to Tina Fey winning a special Oscar because she's Tina Fey; cut to audience wishing Ricky Gervais was hosting this and every other awards show in perpetuity)

Marion Cotillard: The nominees for Best Actor are Richard Jenkins, Frank Langella, Sean Penn, Brad Pitt, and Mickey Rourke. And the Oscar goes to...Mickey Rourke!

(Mickey Rourke approaches podium, French kisses Marion Cotillard and his new dog; cut to Jan-Michael Vincent, Christopher Jones, and Robert Blake text messaging their agents, demanding they get new roles commensurate with their and Mickey Rourke's past degradations; cut to Clint Eastwood secure in the knowledge that he's Clint Eastwood)

Announcer: And now, please welcome an actor whose prior Oscar wins were, amazingly for the Oscars, well-deserved...Daniel Day-Lewis!

(enter Daniel Day-Lewis, taking some time out from his new life as a Hummel figurine painter; cut to Meg Ryan and Nicole Kidman ordering industrial-strength botox in giant neutronium-sealed cubes from aliens at Hangar 18; cut to Wall*E resigning as Secretary of Commerce due to allegations of steroid abuse)

Daniel Day-Lewis: The nominees for Best Actress are Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Melissa Leo, Meryl Streep, and Kate Winslet. And the Oscar goes to...Kate Winslet!

(Kate Winslet instinctively rips off her clothes as she runs to the stage, then has sex with Spencer Green; cut to Jessica Alba, Katherine Heigl and Scarlett Johansson text messaging their agents, demanding they get roles as either 1) Holocaust victims 2) People who slept with Holocaust victims or 3) People who read about Holocaust victims and felt really, really bad about them)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, a man whose honeymoon with the press is not just over but they're currently sleeping in separate beds...President Barack Obama!

(Barack Obama enters, as the Hollywood community, exhausted from sucking up to him, can't summon the energy to applaud; cut to James Cameron revealing there is no Avatar and he just spent the $300 million on a really, really good satellite dish; cut to Sandra Bullock, remembering when she could open a movie)

Barack Obama: And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to...

(In a burst of white light, Narsycophant the Goddess of Award Shows, descends upon the stage)

Narsycophant: Heed my words! No one cares if the Academy Awards show is good or bad any more than they care who wins since the average American sees four films a year, all of them starring Will Ferrell. No one wants to watch the Academy Awards--it's just something people have to do, like going to the dentist and paying taxes. The worse the show is, the less people mind the sight of overpaid stars being given awards on top of everything else that has gone right with their lives. So, everyone--embrace the horribleness that is the Academy Awards! Embrace it with all your hearts!

(Enter the Ghost of Bob Hope, as band plays "Thanks for the Memories")

Bob Hope: Hey, this is Bob "Why Wasn't I Considered for the Role of Harvey Milk?" Hope. I got more holes in me than Roland Buriss has stories about his Senate appointment. Hey, "Slumdog Millionaire" is beatin' the competition harder than Bing beat his kids! Yeah! Grrowwwwll! Now, Joey Heatherton, right here! Oooh, yeah. That's wild!

** not counting Australia, Deception, The Fountain, Kate & Leopold, and Someone Like You