01/10/2011 06:36 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The New Vitriol-Free Cable News Network


8:00am - Rise 'n' Shine to Bipartisanship!

1:00pm - No, No, No--You Go First

2:00pm - Chocolate Chip Cookies That Both Parties Will Love

3:00pm - Senators Choose Their Favorite Sunsets

5:00pm - Bill O'Reilly's All-Star Salute to The Black Panthers

7:00pm - Super Happy Fun Ball with Chris Matthews

8:00pm - Agreeing to Disagree with Eliot Spitzer and Whoever Will Be Replacing Kathleen Parker

10:00pm - The Michael Winslow Substitutes Heated Political Exchanges With Hilarious Sound Effects Show


8:00am - Turn Vitriol into Vitri-LOL!

12:00pm - Listening Politely But Not Actually Listening with Dr. Sanjay Gupta

1:00pm - The Yellow Smiley Face Show

2:00pm - Liberal Media? Right-Wing Conspiracy? Mmm...Tastes Great Together!

4:00pm - Headline News: We All Have Skin

5:00pm - Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann Swap Photos of Puppies in Baskets

7:00pm - Stopping Toxic Speech and the Ignorant Commie Asshole Bastard Shitheads Who Use It

8:00pm - Gloria Borger, David Gergen, Dick Armey, and Roland Martin Eat Pizza, Watch Reruns of Home Improvement In Their Pajamas

10:00pm - The Making of That 1971 I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing Coke Commercial


8:00am - Soothing Pictures of Mountain Ranges

12:00pm - Point, Counterpoint, What's the Point?

1:00pm - Our Common Enemy: Movies Starring Nicolas Cage

2:00pm - Ed Schultz's Cleansing Primal Scream Hour

3:00pm - The Bouncy Ball Room with Wolf Blitzer

5:00pm - Rachel Maddow Reads From The Best of Norman Vincent Peale

7:00pm - Left Wing, Right Wing, We All Taste Like Chicken

8:00pm - Sarah Palin' It Forward: She Finds the Son of the Caribou She Killed and Raises It As a Democrat

10:00pm - Professor Alan Gribben and SouthBooks Eliminate All Inflammatory Words Everywhere and Replace Them With Nothing


8:00am - Dialin' it Down!

12:00pm - Conservatives and Liberals Say the Darndest Things

1:00pm - Live Coverage: Congress Debates Health Care Reform With Semaphores and Sock Puppets

2:00pm - Special Investigation: Remember When Obama Was Elected? Because I Mean, Like, Wasn't That Really Cool? Huh?

3:00pm - Removing the Crosshairs From Our Souls

5:00pm - Toning Your Tummy and Your Rhetoric

7:00pm - Fluffy McAmerica, the Togetherness Bear 360º

8:00pm - Colin Firth Reads the Constitution In That British Way Which Just Oozes Class and Civility

10:00pm - Piers Morgan Asks Questions Guaranteed Not to Offend, Embarrass, Inflame, Educate, Interest, or Entertain Anyone


8:00am - Footage of People Holding Doors Open for Other People and Feeling Good About It

1:00pm - The Al Franken/Rush Limbaugh Tag-Team Retract Everything They Ever Said Hour

2:00pm - A Lou Dobbs Special Report: "A" Is for "Amnesty"

3:00pm - Hating Hate Speech and the Haters Who Hate Without Being Hateful

5:00pm - Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd Kiss and Make Up **

7:00pm - A Sean Hannity Special Report: You Can't Spell "Radical" Without "Rad!"

8:00pm - Natalee Holloway: Seriously, Where Is She? ***

10:00pm - Identifying Incendiary Language and Kicking It In the Motherfucking Nuts


8:00am - 11:00pm - Videos of Babies Laughing


8:00am - Livin' Polite With Professor Please and Doctor Thank You

1:00pm - Let's All Wait Until Oprah Tells Us What To Do

2:00pm - Live Coverage: Senate Debates Use of Word "Debate" As Being Too Confrontational

3:00pm - John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi Listen to a Two-Hour Loop of If by Bread

5:00pm - Tax Cuts, Schmax Cuts--You Say Potato, I Say Poh-tah-to

7:00pm - National Review/Mother Jones Potato Sack Race/Pie-Eating Contest

8:00pm - Noam Chomsky and Bill Kristol Hug It Out

10:00pm - Special Investigation: Republicans and Democrats Agree--Black Swan Sucks

** figuratively
*** some stories still cut across all political and cultural lines