08/11/2014 02:09 pm ET Updated Oct 10, 2014

White House: Obama Exhausted, Will Make No More Foreign Policy Decisions This Term

Following the authorization to provide humanitarian aid and bomb specific ISIS artillery in Iraq, the White House announced that President Obama will be making no further foreign policy-related decisions for the rest of his time in office. "The president is justifiably exhausted from having to make a decision about anything at all," says Global Uselessness spokesperson Leonard B. Tullock. "He will spend some much needed down time in Martha's Vineyard while he determines bolder, more specific ways to delay and/or avoid facing all realities in the world."

State Department officials say this should in no way affect how we are currently ignoring our allies and enemies or confusing which is which, with Tullock insisting, "The president's non-decision decision will not alter our foreign policy in the slightest." Tullock added:

On an unrelated note, if anyone out there happens to have a working foreign policy you would like to share, we are curious to see what one looks like. Send it to us at JV Team, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington D.C. 20500 or email us at: notdoingstupidshit@gov. Winners will receive a ready-to-eat meal as a prize. Warning: prize may explode on impact.