06/18/2013 03:32 pm ET Updated Aug 18, 2013

White House: Will 'Good' Syrian Rebels Please Identify Yourselves So We Can Arm You?

At a press conference this morning, White House officials requested that all the "good" Syrian rebels immediately identify themselves as such to the proper authorities so the United States can support them in their battle against President Bashar al-Assad. "It will really help us to know which of you are on our side," said Joint Commander of Wishful Thinking Horace T. Potrum. "And the quicker you tell us, the quicker we can send you arms. Deal?"

The Joint Commander seemed somewhat vague about the differences between a "good" Syrian rebel and a "bad" one, commenting, "Don't worry -- we'll know the good rebels when we see them. They have a spring in their step and a sparkle in their eyes that bad rebels just can't fake." He then warned all potential "bad" Syrian rebels with links to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah to stay out of this stringent identification process. "It's not very sporting and would just confuse things for everyone if you told us you're good when you really aren't," said Potrum. "I mean, we would never tell you we were good if you asked us. Besides -- all we're going to send the good Syrian rebels are some slingshots and Nerf rockets, so it's really kind of a waste of your time."