01/21/2015 05:44 pm ET Updated Mar 23, 2015

Mom Bills Kid for Missing Birthday Party and Is Mocked Everywhere

First, I just want to say: Who does that?

Secondly, how dumb can you be? Kids have no money. At least go after someone rich.

As you know, this fascinating story about the mom who invoiced the little boy for failing to attend her kid's birthday party has been all over the news and social media (and I have loved every delicious minute of it), but no matter which side you're on -- the it-was-rude-not-to-inform-the-mom-your-kid-wasn't-attending side or the birthday-mother-was-tactless-and-obnoxious-for-sending-an-invoice side -- I can end the debate right here without even needing to delve into the merit of either position.

Let me paint a picture for you that will make this whole debate moot.

Your kid's birthday is approaching. You decide to throw him a party. You invite people. You hope people will kindly RSVP by the date on the invitation. You suspect they won't. The date passes. You hope people will kindly RSVP by any date. The day of the party swiftly approaches. You get nervous. No one has RSVPed. You think, Is anyone coming to this Goddamn party I just shelled out a boatload of money for? You pray. Then you remember the Internet. You take to your keyboard and frantically type emails to the families (as a gentle reminder) to make sure someone is coming. Finally, you go to the party and rejoice that some people showed. Also, some people you didn't invite showed. Everyone runs around guzzling as much candy and soda as they can cram into their gullets as possible. You go home.

It's called life.

I'd like to state for the record (because apparently this common fact is not known to all): If you throw a party you may not charge your guests for the party. You know why? Because you decided to throw the party. If you do not want to pay for said party, do not throw the party. Simple. Did you also ask the guests to bring their own slice of pizza and piece of birthday cake as you would not be providing those items either?

I'll tell you what, I would love for this little fact of life not to be true. Because if I asked my guests to bring all the food and wine they'd like to consume with them to my party, do you know how easy my life would be? I mean, when you're hosting who wants to be bothered by all that preparation and cooking and cleaning and setting up? It's too much of a hassle. I'd much rather sit back, relax and have the guests do it all. I'd have them bring their own dishes, cups and cutlery, too, and tell them not to forget to come back the next day to vacuum up. They left the crumbs after all. I just might start throwing parties all the time. Think of how much fun it'll be.

Here's the thing. If you chose to have the party, you must pony up for the party no matter how many guests there are, who shows, who doesn't. It is regrettable that some people do not RSVP. I've certainly been frustrated and upset when people didn't RSVP to my kids' parties. It's rude and inconsiderate, but it also may be an honest mistake. It's hard to tell. Life is busy and people forget. Or maybe those people are just jerks, and you should be glad you discovered that so you can move on. Either way, chalk it up to a learning experience.

On occasion, I have even been one of those bad people who has forgotten to respond. I'm not proud of it, but it's happened. It's nothing to start invoicing people over. Although if we're gonna go that route, there are plenty of people I'd like to invoice for rude behavoir and perceived slights. So let me know if we are going to switch up the rules on common sense.

The other thing I'd like to say on all this is: Who invites a bunch of 5-year-olds to a ski lesson birthday party?

Ok, that's it. Except there's the one, little matter of the Facebook spat between the two moms as well, which was published yesterday afternoon by The Telegraph and is also enjoyable to read. So have at it. They were awfully polite in their dispute so I give them credit for that.

Oh, Internet, how I love you. Please keep the crazy coming.

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