THE BLOG
07/31/2015 02:31 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Palin Ready for Prime Time

2015-07-31-1438365864-5053549-sarahpalin.jpg

"We're gonna knock your socks off, America!" said Sarah Palin, as she signed napkins for customers at the Lock 'N Load Dinner in Wasilla, Alaska.

"Are you nervous about how the press will respond to Trump naming you Political Director of his campaign?" asked This Reporter.

"Hell, no," said Palin. "They'll be crapping in their Dockers by the time I'm through with them. If they want access to Donald, they'll have to go through me." Palin lifted her jacket to reveal a 45 Glock automatic.

"You're arming yourself against the media?" said This Reporter, slowly backing away, both hands held high.

"I'm just exercising my Second Amendment rights, right fellas?" Palin said.

A cheer went up as diner patrons reached for their guns and fired off a celebratory round, shelling the ceiling and breaking several windows, while This Reporter took cover under a display of cream pies.

"Trump picked me because he's the only candidate who understands what the People really want. They don't want debates on issues. They want to be entertained and, by golly, I know how to put on a show," said Palin, biting into a mooseburger.

"Can you provide any details?" said This Reporter.

"You watch The Bachelorette?" she asked.

"Um, not regularly."

"Well, but you get the concept, right? One hot woman goes on dates with a dozen guys who all live in the same drop dead house. You never quite know which one is lighting up her switchboard. She keeps them all guessing. Getting into the hot tub with this one. Smooching with that one. All kinds of hanky panky. Until the very end when she hands one guy a red rose."

"Okay, but what does a reality TV show have to do with your position running Trump's campaign?" said This Reporter.

"Talk about the lame stream media! Do I have to paint you a picture?" she said. "I'm gonna put all the Republican candidates in Trump's fabulous Ocean Resort in Baja and have them go on dates with Caitlyn Jenner, America's sweetheart."

"I'm confused," admitted This Reporter. "What does Jenner have to do with the 2016 election?"

"Have you been in a coma?" said Palin. "Caitlyn Jenner and Trump are the highest rated reality TV stars in the world. Put them together... kaboom !"

"What makes you think the National Republican Committee will allow you turn the election into a farce?" said This Reporter.

Palin narrowed her eyes. "Which would you rather watch? A middle-aged woman in a pantsuit debating banking regulations with a bunch of old white men or Caitlyn Jenner in a bathing suit throwing back mojitos with Trump, Perry and Walker at a luxury resort?"

"Yes, but..."

"I am responsible for every sound bite Trump has given," said Palin. "Mexican rapists? McCain's war record? Ditching Obamacare? That's all me," said Palin. "As soon as an idea pops into my head, I Tweet Trump. Hey, I just got an idea for him right now." She whipped out her cell phone and sent off a Tweet.

"May I see that?" asked This Reporter.

"Sure. Consider this an exclusive," she said, holding up her text message.

It read, "Accuse Planned Parenthood of genocide against black babies."

"That's outrageous. Where are you getting your facts?" asked This Reporter.

"Facts are like Spanx, they stretch to fit your own personal truth," said Palin. "Oh, that's a good one. Excuse me. I've gotta Tweet that too."

While Palin Tweeted I asked a waitress her opinion of Palin's role in Trump's campaign.

"Sarah's always had vision," said the waitress. "You know, she can see the White House from here."