04/27/2011 11:39 am ET Updated Jun 27, 2011

Exciting EXCLUSIVE: The Menu of the Royal Wedding Revealed!

Obviously, many of the plans surrounding the Royal Wedding are shrouded in thick London fog. The Queen, presumably, doesn't want to spoil the drama. Nobody knows, for instance, how many Welch Corgis will be in attendance, and who will be assigned to walk them if they become obstreperous during the ceremony. Likewise, nobody knows who will get the job of watching Prince Charles and Camilla if, as is their wont upon occasion, they get a little too frisky and make a bit of a spectacle. But undeterred by this mania for secrecy, this correspondent has ferreted out the menu of what will be served to the 1900 guests at this peerless event.

I can't reveal my source on this. But I can assure you that, like all other sources on the Internet, it's a very good source that knows whereof he/she speaks/leaks.

First, before the ceremony there will of course be champagne cocktails, mimosas and Shirley Temples for the kids. Lest the crowd become restive, there will also be about a half an hour of what my source called "walk-around heavy hors d'oeuvres," including tiny cheese puffs, cheese balls, cheese, bits of crumpet, thinly sliced sausage rolls, overcooked haricot verts, blancmange shooters and, of course, pigs-in-a-blanquette.

This should keep everybody but the most incontinent in their seats for what promises to be a lengthy ceremony. Just getting through the line at the coat check will take upwards of 90 minutes, I am told, so invitees are advised to come early and bring reading material. I know I will.

After the wedding, as the happy couple head off to change for the first of seven times that day, the crowd will be ushered over to Buckingham Palace for some serious appetizers and nonstop boozing. Top shelf all the way, naturally. Pre-dinner savories include Swedish meatballs, scallops wrapped with bacon, tiny enchiladas, cheese whiz, cheese loaf, small bricks of Stilton and lots and lots of hot buttered toast. There was a rumor that portions of Franco-American Spaghetti-o's were going to be on-hand, but the Duke of Gloucester nixed the idea since they were thought to be too hard to eat while mingling.

Dinner itself will be a huge gorge out worthy of Henry VIII. Wine! Flagons and flagons of it! And then port and mead and also ale for the young princes. Then the fish course, which everybody will pretty much ignore, since boiled fish rarely tastes as good as it looks on the plate. After the fish comes the roast beasts -- mutton and pig and a nice brisket with horseradish. Then squab, pigeon and the starling pie. All will be trimmed by huge plates of steaming, fresh and drastically overcooked vegetables, as is the local custom.

Dessert? Wedding cake, what else?

I don't know about you guys, but I'm dieting like mad to get ready for the feast. I want to leave room in my monkey suit for all this good stuff.

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