06/15/2010 09:45 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

What I Want for Father's Day

1. I want a Maybach. It's a huge, ridiculous car that has curtains on the windows and costs more than $200,000. Times being what they are, I could never afford one myself.

2. I want a razor that has 10 microblades, one to lift, another to lift a little more, a third to lift just a tiny bit more, a fourth to cut, a fifth to lift was is left after the fourth is done, and sixth to massage while it cuts, a seventh to twirl, an eighth to perform the coup de grace, a ninth to inspect the area, and a tenth to remain on patrol.

3. I want a media player that only presents me with books, music and video entertainment that it absolutely KNOWS I will like, and NOTHING I don't, and never surprises me with news or information I didn't expect or approve of.

4. I want Marketing technology to lose my personal profile.

5. I want BP to stop trying to manage the situation and actually solve it.

6. I want Federal regulation that makes it impossible for banks to make more than 1% more on our money than we do.

7. I want there to be an end to interesting and insightful pieces in the Times, or elsewhere, for that matter, offering a rational and fair explanation of the Tea Party movement.

8. I want to know the precise location of the Cloud.

9. I want there to be a 30-minute buzzer on all budget meetings. Lacking that, I'm wondering if certain forms of amphetamine could be available to those who aren't in Finance but still have to attend them.

10. I want Father's Day to be moved to Monday and made into a national holiday, creating a new three-day weekend during the summertime, when it doesn't really make any difference.