President Barack Obama has issued a new set of standards to his vetting committee, revising them downwards substantially. Here is his memo:
After some very visible mistakes in our vetting process, I have established new ground rules for prospective appointees to our administration. These standards are obviously not so lofty as I once aspired to but, in light of current events, I think asking public officials to meet these criteria is more doable.
Following are new vetting requirements for appointees:
1. Must have legitimate social security number.
2. Must have filed federal and state income tax returns every year of their adult lives.
3. Must have reported all income (this includes job-related benefits and gifts, income earned overseas, money received for which there are no pay stubs, and anything else that damned IRS considers "income").
4. Must have paid taxes for all employees (even -- especially -- if they are not American citizens).
5. Must not argue, "I only realized much later, when I saw my picture on the wall at my local post office, that when I _____________ that this was not permitted by the Federal income tax codes, criminal laws of my state and the United States, the Better Business Bureau's recommended practices, or the ethical standards of even the most permissive religion."
6. Must not display prominently in their offices the slogan, "Only the little people pay taxes."
7. Must not have given any interviews where they name Leona Helmsley as either their hero or a role model.
I realize that these are incredibly stringent standards in the current environment, where anyone worth their salt must make enough money to send their children and grandchildren to expensive private schools, maintain homes in their state/Washington DC/New York/a ski resort/a beach community, and have an assistant immediately at hand even when showering.
I agree entirely with the sentiments expressed by a number of current and former Senators that it may be impossible to find anyone in this country with executive experience in health care, finance, or military procurement who can pass muster with such stern ethical requirements. But I am committed to pursuing this impossible dream -- God Bless America!