01/20/2015 05:14 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

All That Glitters Is Not Controlled!

People must really despise me. Yesterday I went to my P.O. Box and opened 144 envelopes and gasped to find them graced with gobs of glamorous, glinting Glitter. If this was heaven, it sure glistened. In fact, there were enough sparkles for me to make these centerpieces for a big bash I recently threw. 2015-01-18-centerpiece.JPG
With enemies like this, who needs friends?

Now if only the rest of the hateful population (the ones I've rubbed the wrong way) would send me some sequins, some swatches of velvet and a few glue sticks -- I'll be able to make some "thank you for coming" party favors as well.

If you're feeling a bit lost right about now-you haven't paid enough attention to the big news lately. This past week, a man started a company where (for $9.99) he will ship glitter to your worst enemies and... well you can just read about it here. But please return to this post and see what I'm planning to send people in the mail.

Yes, messy craft supplies may put some of us in our place, but I'm going back to the old fashioned art of actually sending letters through the mail. Imagine that! Because...

The Pen Is Mightier Than the Sword

Therefore here are the letters I plan to write and send:

To My Publisher:

"Thank you for submitting your recent rejection letter regarding my novel. However, I am returning it to you for revisions. It's just not what I'm looking for at this time. It contains cliches, lacks originality and is entirely unsuitable for framing. Therefore I reject your rejection letter. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. "

To My Creepy, Inappropriate Male Gynecologist:

"In light of your conduct during my recent Pap Smear Leer, I've spoken with your wife so she can schedule your upcoming "Lap Spear." You are long overdue."

To My Female Tenant:

"You are not only behind on your rent but it seems you rent your behind! Check today's Craig's list. 'Your' ad is prominently displayed. Butt don't be too bummed out about that even though it appears you've hit bottom -- I'm sending you some 'good luck glitter' to sprinkle on that newly backed venture of yours. You'll surely be bedASSled."

To My Child's 4th Grade Teacher:

"Do you remember the parent conference we had long ago, during which you stated my son would never amount to anything because a) getting him to do assignments was like pulling teeth and b) he was a smart mouth? Well, to show we have no hurt feelings fillings, please visit him at his new dental practice. You know the drill."

To the Beautician Who Insisted I Dye My Hair:

"Check the back of your car. You have a new bumper sticker. "Gray is the new Brunette!" You're welcome!"

To the Department of Motor Vehicles:

"It's very flattering you read my blogs, but I politely decline the license plate you "randomly" issued me... 'PMS 247.' Also because I no longer do dishes, you might appreciate my new license on my Mazda now." 2015-01-18-photo17.PNG

And to my friends that I haven't caught up with in the new year yet:

I apologize. But let's trade Glitter for Twitter! Follow me @MissMenopause
and I will follow you. To the glitter err, the bitter end!