THE BLOG
10/13/2014 03:56 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

I'm Suing Disney Studios! When Did I Ever Tell Them to 'Be My Guest?'

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Wait till you see all the material that's been stolen from me to make scores of Disney hit movies! I'm sure you've heard about author Isabella Tanikumi, who is taking Disney Studios to court for allegedly ripping off her books, which were based on her real life story, to make the movie Frozen? If she doesn't 'let it go,' she stands to make a lot of money. But I'm sure the judge will agree that I am the larger injured party here. After my lawsuit(s) it's only a matter of time before I'll be crooning, "When You Wish Upon a Star," while bathing in my own millions!

The Proof is in the (Peter Pan peanut butter) Pudding! Just look . . .

SLEEPING BEAUTY: It's shocking how much Disney plagiarized my childhood events for this animated feature -- Where do I even start? At the beginning, of course. First of all, just like Maleficent, I was not invited to my own Baby Christening. (Religious differences were cited.) Along those same lines and identical to Aurora, I was also born Royalty (according to my father) -- I was a Jewish American Princess. Then ironically at age 16, in the middle of sewing my own gym bag in Home Economics class, (we should still make this mandatory, btw) I was also poked by a needle. Now mind you, there are no witnesses because I couldn't very well shout out, "Who just saw me Prick myself?" I would have been sent to the principal for profanity. But from that day forward, my mother could never awaken me to get to school on time.

CINDERELLA: There can be no doubt of copycatting here. But how Walt managed to spy on me in shoe stores, I'll never know! It was my sheer amount of shoving, jamming and forcing my pregnant, swollen feet inside that last pair of silver stilettos in a size 6 narrow, (during Nordstrom's half-yearly sale) that was obviously duplicated for his stepsister's dramatic scenes. The fact that I was only raised with a brother or that I'm deathly phobic of mice need never come up in the lawsuit. And perhaps I haven't cleaned out our fireplace lately, but I can attest to scrubbing many a bathroom fixture. Nicknaming me "SToilet" instead of Stephanie would not be too far-fetched.

WRECK-IT RALPH: Here I can go after Disney for taking the title of this recent film directly from tapping my private phone. Ralph is the name of my Allstate auto insurance rep. Three times during the same year this movie was made, I called to report a claim for my Mazda, lowering my voice to a shameful whisper the third time when I confessed, "I Wrecked it, Ralph."

FINDING NEMO: I might be persuaded to drop this particular lawsuit since it's a bit of a leap. However I want it on record that I've always lost my notes (for my Huffington blogs) and other scraps of papers I scrawled groceries on to buy at the market. Therefore, I thought up a clever name for a contraption I invented that locates my "To Do" list around the house with an annoying buzzing sound. "Finding Memo!" (That's what we call an open and shut case.)

PARENT TRAP: Alright, here my allegations are completely airtight. I have twin boys and my one scaredy cat son once bribed his courageous lookalike brother to go to the pediatrician to get an extra flu shot for him. When his Dad and I discovered the switcheroo, we didn't reconcile our marriage, but we did have an hour long phone conversation where we both (miraculously!) agreed that the boys should lose dessert for a week and get different haircuts.

TANGLED: Just look at this picture of my hair.

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I was the original TANGLED, 80's style.

Can there be any argument what the movie is based on?? Plus when I tell a white lie, my mother always recites, "Oh what a Tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." Thanks Ma, I'll split the settlement with you on this one.

FREAKY FRIDAY: Disney must have a thing with the "swapping people" bit (see Parent Trap above) but I definitely explored this theme first. Witness the following multiple dialogues between me and my daughter.

Daughter: You can't keep saying, "Cuz I said so!"

Me: Yes, I can. And when you're the mother, you can say it too.

or

Daughter: All the other mothers are letting their daughters go to the dance.

Me: I'm not all the other mothers.

Daughter: Well I wish you were!

or

Daughter: It's so unfair! You have no clue what life as a teenager is like nowadays. It's not like when you were in school and your biggest stress was pricking your finger with a needle in Home Ec class!

Me: Try shoe shopping with big feet, scrubbing toilets, taking your twin brothers to the pediatrician for vaccinations, talking with car insurance companies, never being able to find my memos for my blogs, having a hairdo so tangled that it resembles a rat's nest, and dealing with a smart-mouthed teen like you, Young Lady!

"Ya got that, Walt? Freaky Friday was born when my sassy daughter was!"

Now tonight if I should catch any Disney producers or writers loitering around my dinner table, it's . . .


OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!


Photo credit: lorenjavier on Flickr

I'll see you in Court, Mickey!