10/07/2014 03:56 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Football and Fashion! Black-Tie Touchdowns?


Pick the one you'd most likely shout out:

"Sack the Quarterback!" or "Sax Fifth Avenue!"

"It's the Cotton Bowl!" or "It's 100% Cotton!"

Can a relationship exist where both parties feel equally passionate about football AND fashion? Would it bring them closer?? I'm dying to find out! With my two ex-husbands, I was constantly left alone on the sidelines during sports season, not to mention wandering solo through shopping malls because they could care less what I wore.

I'm determined to 'weave' together football and fashion 'seamlessly' with the great new man in my life.

"You'd be amazed how much the two subjects have in common," I gushed enthusiastically to my guy last night, as his eyes riveted to the screen during Monday Night Football. I sat conspicuously nearby, turning the pages of a recent fashion spread in Vogue.

"Oh no! Look how she FUMBLED with her purse, searching for lipstick!" I shouted, pointing to a statuesque blonde on page 28. "Betcha never saw color-BLOCKING like that before! I wonder how much YARDAGE of silk that took?"

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, yawned, then promptly focused his attention back to the set.

One more time, giving it that old college try. . .

ME: Well, whadya know! Vera Wang is finally gonna TACKLE the issue of HIKING up hemlines during the KICKOFF of her new fall line.

HIM: Shhhh, Stephanie - - I can't even hear the announcer."

A new tact was definitely required. . .

ME: (cozying next to him and purring) Well hello there! Did you ever stop to wonder if their team jerseys are made of 100% pure Jersey Knit? Or do they sneak a little Lycra in there?

Six men smashed their bodies together and I winced.

HIM: (mindlessly munching Doritos) Uh huh.

ME: What daring trendsetters those brutes are -- bringing back the '80s shoulder pads like that! I think the chinstrap could be a bit much though. A simple helmet would streamline their look, while still accessorizing those head concussions perfectly. And whoever does their make-up! Haven't they heard of waterproof mascara? It'd prevent those under-eye black marks.

The Asymmetrical thing? There always has to be some avant-garde "Football Fashionista."

Runny Mascara or a Turn-On for men?

HIM: (looks at watch) Isn't there some fashion show luncheon thing at Nordstrom, starting right about now?"

ME: (coyly) Why? Would you accompany me to it, Coach?

HIM: Coach?? As in your Coach brand purse?? Look Steph, I know what you're trying to . . .

ME: Shhhh, I can't even hear that official man in the black and white outfit, blowing his sterling silver whistle necklace. Didn't anyone tell him pinstripes are so yesterday? And white pants after Labor Day! Seriously? That's a makeover just waiting to happen.

I made lots of loud tsk-tsk sounds.

Just then a Levi Jeans commercial flashed on -- my hopes immediately renewed. But to my surprise I didn't have to utter one word to get him engrossed.

She's got the "Astroturf Runway" Pose down pat !

"Hey, I'd sure like to HAND-OFF to that TIGHT-END!" He nodded approvingly at the backside of a gorgeous model, clad in size 2 slim fit jeans. We'd HUDDLE together and talk about our next big PLAY - - then I'd make a smooth as satin (or should that be 100% silk?) PASS at her. Mmm, those little stitched back-pockets would put me into OVERTIME for sure."

"Uh Listen, I've been thinking." I stammered, abruptly changing the channel. "Separate interests are actually super healthy for couples. It gives them a sense of independence and brings variety to their relationship. A nice balance, if you will. No sense in both people liking the same thing."

"I thought you might see it that way," he said with a knowing smirk. "So next time you'll be more careful what you wish for?"

Sheesh, this guy really gets into teaching someone a valuable lesson, doesn't he?


Football + Fashion will always lead to this.
"Fornography!" or "Pornball?"

Before I responded, I leaned over to grab my Kate Spade purse, which I then launched (with a perfect spiral!) across the living room, where it landed in the center of the coffee table.

"Uh, whaddya chuck your handbag for?" he asked incredulously.

"Just demonstrating I can throw a winning "CLUTCHDOWN" pass better than any San Diego Charger quarterback around," I smiled smugly.

"Stick to writing your HuffPost humor blogs, Stephanie. I'll even be your biggest cheerleader!"

Then he slapped me hard on the behind as I complimented his Christian "Dior-DiScore" shirt, his Calvin "(K)Line-backer" pants, and his Bill "Blass n' Pass" shoes.

And that was the end of Football versus Fashion week in my house. Tied Score. We'll just see who goes to the Play-Offs, won't we?