THE BLOG
01/07/2015 08:16 pm ET Updated Mar 09, 2015

New Year's Resolutions Redux

By now you've probably trashed your list of New Year's resolutions. I would have trashed mine too, but I can't find it. It was obviously stolen, which is sad because number one on my list was: Stop accusing people of stealing. Still, it's not too late to make this the best year of your life.

Last year wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. It was your list.
Let's take a look:

Lose Weight
The thing about that one is that it can't be done. What you can do is gain five pounds. Put that one down.

Work Harder
Unless your job is to run around in circles, working harder will confuse you into thinking you're getting somewhere. If your goal is "to be heard," change that one to Talk Louder. Also, quit your job. I sense you're not that good at it.

Help Others
Please. What person ever helped another person? What you can do is leave people alone. If a friend needs a kidney, that's a different story. Everyone should give away at least one kidney. That's why we have two. One for a friend. Otherwise pretend you don't see them standing there. If they ask you for career advice, tell them you quit your job. If they say, "So and so left me, what should I do?" Say, "I don't know," and poke yourself in the eye. Don't play God. Unless you are God. In that case, wow. Nice to finally meet you. Sir.

Write a Book
Oh my God. Don't make me laugh. No one writes books except insane people who talk to themselves the whole time other people are talking to them. They don't even hear you. They can't stop the voices. They're sick, sick people. If you talk to them they will think they thought up everything you just said, and then they'll put it in their dumb book. What you should do is read a book. Reading makes you glad you're not a writer. Look how many words are in there. Do you really want to think up a billion words for no reason?

Focus on Being Happy
This is the worst thing you can do. Happy people are incredibly annoying, and surprisingly sad at times. Is that your goal? To be peculiar? Being miserable is ten times cooler and misery likes company. So have a party!

Quit Smoking
What is wrong with you? It's finally legal. What you should do is quit lying to yourself. You will never quit smoking. It's the best part of your day.

Learn Something New
Like what? Bridge? Guitar? Chinese? No one can learn any of those things unless they already know how to do them. Focus on the things you do know how to do so you'll feel like you accomplished something. Stop beating yourself up. With other people's musical instruments. That they know how to play.

Start a Savings Account
What are you? A 9-year-old? Savings accounts are for suckers. Banks trick you into giving them your money so they can build more banks. Keep your money, or buy a sandwich for the guy on the corner who hasn't eaten in a week. Look in his eyes if you want more interest.

Travel
To where? You'll only get sick. The further away you go the worse the germs. Change this one to, "Try not to get Diphtheria."

Find your Soul Mate
I mean, who? You already know everyone. I'd lose the word, "Mate," if I were you.

If you listen to me, this will be your year. You won't make unattainable lists. You won't try to be something you're not, or interfere in the lives of others. You'll just live your life, in kindness and peace. Eat what you want, say what you want, and do whatever you feel like doing. Don't worry about being better, happier, thinner or newer. Take the year off, and just live. Write that down, and have a happy new year.