02/05/2013 03:26 pm ET Updated Apr 03, 2013

Hurricanes, Assault Rifles, and Women's Breasts -- Which Is the Most Dangerous? Fortunately Our Legislators Know!

I just want to take a moment to thank the fine hard-working and morally upstanding legislators down in Raleigh for protecting me and my family against the gravest threat that is facing my beautiful state of North Carolina. You might think we have to worry about some serious things down here in ole Cackalacky, what with most everyone owning an assault rifle that might end up in the hands of a psychopath on their way to the nearest elementary school, and global climate disruption looking to wipe the eastern third of our state off the map with nor'easters and hurricanes buzzing off the coast every month or two. And then there's unemployment and lots of poor people and all that other economic stuff that hurts my brain to think about. But you don't know the half of it my dear reader. There are threats to my state, and I'm talking here about morality-annihilating weapons, that are so imminent and dangerous that I'm surprised Osama bin Laden or some other terrorist don't have a pair so he could do us some real damage. But again, fortunately we have elected some of the finest, most intelligent men this country has to offer to immediately address this most pressing and horrific threat that our beloved state faces.

Now, I don't know how things are in your neck of the woods, but down here it turns out that over half of the population has these ferociously dangerous things attached to their body, and all they have to do is whip them out, and our morality will crack in two like a glass jar that you just poured some boiling hot water into. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not talking about anything some of them so-called queer, gay, transgendered or whatever it is they call themselves might have on them -- we got rid of most of them last May when we wrote our hatred of them into our very own constitution, guaranteeing that we would never ever grant them equal rights as citizens. I durn suspect that took care of most of them.

No, what I'm talking about, and what our fine representatives did down in Raleigh as quick as a bunny rabbit done jump in a briar patch, I mean the very first order of business, is address this most horrific threat that can literally kill our children if they even saw just one, or, God forbid, a pair of them! Of course I'm talking about women's breasts! Yes, you've heard of them -- I hope to God you've never seen a pair. Because if you did I don't know that I can talk to you anymore, because you might be, you know, morally corrupt and my mammy might spank me if she found out I was talking to someone like you, which actually hasn't happened in a long time, so I wonder if she don't love me no more :(

I'll let you know right now, I don't trust the government to do nuttin, and they better not try to get my 34 assault rifles or I'll kill everyone of 'em, but it sure is a good thing they jumped right on this issue so now people can feel safe when they come down here, all them tourists and stuff and whatnot that keeps the economy going, at least a little bit. So you just come on down, don't hesitate, and I can guarantee you one hunnerd percent that you will not see one pair of em, because if one of them things that's got em tries to expose their pair, or even just a single one of their you know whats, that right there is a felony and they spend the next five years in jail! So come on down! It's safe here in Cackalacky.