12/13/2011 02:25 pm ET Updated Feb 12, 2012

I'm Dreaming of a Newt Christmas

'Tis just weeks before Christmas and all through the land,
The prospects for Republicans aren't looking so grand.
As dear Santa is donning his festive red suit,
Both on network and cable, all we hear of is Newt.

Pawlenty dropped out, then we lost Herman Cain,
Of initial contenders, only several remain.
Perry stays on, though we know he can't win it,
For whenever he opens his mouth... foot is in it.

And Bachmann, my goodness, her campaign is failin',
She's enough to make feminists love Sarah Palin.
And then there's Ron Paul, a most loveable crank,
That he can't be elected, lucky stars we must thank.

Another one who simply can't find a quorum,
Is the earnest young moralist, Richard Santorum.
No matter how much sanctimony he floats,
It seems nobody, listens, he garners no votes.

And what must be going through Romney's poor mind?
When no matter who falters, he still stays behind.
Like the kid on the playground, with brand new gym shoes,
Mitt's the very last pick, for they all know he'll lose.

How ironic for Huntsman, another Latter-Day Saint,
Is losing to Gingrich, (who a Saint he sure ain't!)
Huntsman and Mitt, Mormon men all their lives,
And it's Newt who's had fun taking multiple wives!

But Newt is the man, and he's most entertaining,
And the fun just gets better, as the polls show him gaining.
He takes millions from Freddie, "just consulting," he claims,
Nope, he'd never take money to advance Freddie's aims.
He never would lobby, he's just a historian,
He proclaims with a sneer and a tone quite stentorian.

And among the grand plans he declares for the nation,
Is a whole new approach to poor kids' education.
Clean toilets! Sweep floors! That will teach them to learn,
How to get off the dole... their own keep they should earn.
Because black kids in poverty have it too easy,
The fathers are lazy and the mothers are sleazy.

Political memories have too rapid extinction,
For we seem to forget Newt's most ignoble distinction.
His greatest achievement, not campaigns or speeches,
Is how Congress addressed Newt's deep ethical breaches.

Peers delivered a stern, quite direct, reprimand,
And fined Newt the Speaker about $300 grand,
In all of our history, only once this transpired.
(If it happened to you or to me, we'd be fired.)

But Newt's made of Teflon and his every transgression,
Just goes poof as he genuflects, goes to Confession,
Whatever his faith at the time happens to be,
He's got some religion to lean on, to say, "Forgive me."

But even if Newt wins each coming primary,
Imagine the huge load of baggage he'll carry!
But let's not complain, not be driven to tears,
'Cause it also means Barack gets another 4 years!

But enough about Newt, 'tis the season for joy,
And to all Huff Post readers, to each girl and each boy,
Whether atheist, Muslim, or fan of the Pontiff,
Merry Christmas to some and to others, Good Yontiff!