02/18/2014 03:32 pm ET Updated Apr 20, 2014

Christie's Old School Strategy

Allegation: A Chris Christie memo purports that Port Authority official, David Wildstein, was accused of "deceptive behavior" by his high school social studies teacher.

Can we escape the past? No. And why should we? For one, we've spent far more time in the past than we do in the present. The present, at best, lasts the blink of an eye...if you blink really, really quickly. The always nonexistent future takes up zero space on that time chart. I conclude that the only thing we can we can be judged on is the past. And who are we, the voters who actually believe what a politician says, to determine what of that past shouldn't be grist for the mill? Therefore the savvy candidate should never leave one prepubescent stone unturned.

I present to you the impending Chris "Class President and Athlete" Christie presidential campaign strategy...

Memo from Chris Christie's Office of The Governor (For Immediate Release): Re: Sen. Paul a Libertarian? Rand Paul preaches individual liberty and minimized government yet according to a former reporter for the Bowling Green Middle School Gazette, the junior high paper of record, the Senator had something less than a stellar libertarian attitude.

*As student council treasurer, the twelve-year old Paul led an effort to keep cigarettes out of the school. The actions of a Libertarian? Try Socialist.

* Prior to getting his medical degree, a six year old Paul was alleged to have played doctor with a number of younger women...without a license. Malpractice? You make the call.

*Paul's first paper route was considered "controversial" by one elderly customer.

*Paul's mother's obstetrician said the fetal Paul was "tumultuous" in the womb.

Bottom line, Sen. Paul will do and say anything to save the reputation of the pre/post-birth Paul.

Memo from Chris Christie's Office of The Governor (For Immediate Release): Re: Mike Huckabee: In 1965, when given a choice between "Look" and "Life" Magazine, 10 year old Michael Huckabee chose "Look." Mike Huckabee...Pro-Life? Not so much.

Christie Television Commercial (Presidential): Black and white. Classroom. Ominous tones of "The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round" plays in the background. Preschool teacher reads from "Green Eggs and Ham." In slow-motion a four-year old (Hillary Rodham?) in a pants suits stands up, towering over the other children, stepping on them as she approaches the teacher. Grabs book from teacher holding over her head and diabolically announces, "Green eggs? Ham? What difference, at this point, does it make?" We freeze on Hillary. As Narrator speaks, we slowly zoom in. Narrator: "What difference? Why don't we ask the chicken who laid the eggs or the parents of the pig who is now a piece of dead ham? Do we really want someone in the White House who could care doesn't care about four dead Americans (BEAT) or breakfast?

Christie Presidential Inauguration Speech: My fellow awesome Americans...I'm talking about you jocks who were cool enough to dunk jerks' heads into the toilet, put "kick me" signs on the back of geeks, pocket some nerd's lunch money and best of all, call any spaz "panzie" who is not as stellar as we think they should be. Listen up dudes. I promise a bitchin' four years and there's no better way to get this party started than with a prayer for America...and a White House kegger! America rules! Totally!

Note: Governor Christie did not read this column prior it being published.

Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful." (