06/29/2009 09:18 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Last Unscathed Republican Politician To Be Placed Under Protected Custody

2009-06-29-Nerd.jpgPatrick Noony (Last Remaining Virtuous Republican)
Saying that they "weren't taking any chances," Republican National Committee chairman, Michael Steele requested the Federal Bureau of Investigation to place Patrick Noony, a Bakersfeild, CA supervisor, in the witness protection program at an undisclosed location until late 2012.

"The scandals are killing us," admitted Steele. "Sex, drugs, promiscuity or just plain foot in mouth disease. You'd think we're Democrats. We've got to do everything possible to make sure we have someone who can run without dropping they're drawers and sticking his foot in his mouth. Then again, if we could get a guy who could actually get his foot into his mouth he wouldn't be getting into real trouble."

Republicans and conservatives like Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, David Vitter, Bobby Jindel, George Allen have been faced with a string of embarrassing incidents leading to a scarcity of plausible nominees."

"Come the next presidential election Patrick just might be the only credible Republican candidate left," admitted Steele. "We're desperate to keep him pristine until READ THE REST OF THE RNC PLIGHT HERE.

Award-winning TV writer Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and blogs at the appropriately-named