12/15/2014 12:50 pm ET Updated Feb 14, 2015

Comforting Thoughts on Turning 72

• After buying a book, I do not feel compelled to finish it. It won't be on the final.

• I could easily pass for 71 or even 70 in dim light.

• As an ex-CEO I wake up every morning knowing that no one will complain to me about pay for the entire day.

• I now understand the terms "crank" and "curmudgeon" to be compliments.

• I don't worry about what other people think because I have learned that they think about themselves 96.3 percent of the time.

• In my youth trying to be cool was a 24/7 job. I have cut this activity back to four hours a week. This allows me to sleep later and spend at least five hours every day in the state of bemusement.

• At last, my sex drive is correlated with my opportunities.

• There may be more than one way to skin a cat but I don't need to learn even one as I have no plans to engage in this activity.

• As I age, every year I spend less time with assholes. I can't wait to turn 73.

• Whatever happens in the Ukraine, Syria and Mali is unlikely to affect me in the near future, and that's all I have left.

• No longer desiring to be the smartest guy in the room, I am satisfied simply to be in the room.

• I accept that my wife and I live in parallel universes. Things happen in hers that don't in mine and vice versa. We believe this an inevitable result of quantum physics so we don't argue about it. Who are we to argue with quantum physics?

• I follow sports, but don't take my favorite teams' losses personally. I didn't lose the game.

• There is little I can do about American voters. Again, It's not my fault.

• I neither run with the hare nor hunt with the hounds, nor hoot with the owls, nor soar with eagles, nor swim with the sharks. "Stick to your own species" is my motto.

• I have outlived some of the bastards. True, Donald Trump and Dick Cheney are still alive (barely) but Dick Nixon, Walter O'Malley, all my College Deans, Pat Boone, the Nuns who warned I would go blind or grow hair my hands (I didn't), Jacques Derrida, the adman who wrote "ring around the collar," Tammy Faye Bakker, Joe U who fired me from a summer job, J. Edgar Hoover, Allan Bloom, the Sheriff in Edmonds, Mississippi, who arrested me in the '60s for "parading without a permit," Bert Parks, Dean Rusk, the Bundy Brothers, the New York Cops who beat me up for the fun of it, Judge Hoffman, draft director Lewis Hershey and the little leagues coaches who failed to recognize my athletic potential are all dead.

• If there is a God, He must have an infinite sense of irony.