08/14/2014 12:21 pm ET Updated Oct 14, 2014

John Kerry: Stay Home, Eat Well and Get Some Rest

In my youth, when trouble occurred, the Lone Ranger would ride into town and punish the bad guys. Today, when facing calamity, John Kerry rides into town and asks the bad guys to compromise.

When the Lone Ranger rode out of town, the problems were fixed. When Kerry rides out of town things are more fucked up than when he rode in. When the Lone Ranger left, the grateful townsfolk asked, "Who was that masked man?" When Kerry leaves, they counsel, "The next time someone says, 'I represent the United States government and I'm here to help,' shoot him."

Kerry goes to Palestine and Palestine gets more fucked up. He goes to Sudan and Sudan gets more fucked up. He goes to Iraq and Iraq get more fucked up. He goes to Afghanistan and Afghanistan get more fucked up. He goes to Egypt and Egypt gets more fucked up. He goes to Pakistan and Pakistan get more fucked up. He goes to Myanmar and Myanmar gets more fucked up. He goes to the Ukraine and it gets more fucked up.

The odds are that things will get more fucked up Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Myanmar, Sudan, etc. even without Kerry's crisis-addicted globetrotting. But if I had a record like his, I might spend more time at home. Instead, he has visited to 36 countries in 2014. Is he the only guy at the State Department with a paid-up Amex card?

The State Department's website boasts that in the last 18 months, Kerry has traveled 519,136 miles and spent 1,122 hours in flight.

This guy is permanently jetlagged. He has not had a good night's sleep since 2012. He lives on government-supplied airline food and, worst of all, he travels without a faithful Indian companion.

My advice to Secretary Kerry is:
  1. When visiting foreign countries, wear a mask.
  2. Stay home, eat well and get some rest.
  3. Do not, under any circumstances, come to Seattle.