01/15/2014 01:42 pm ET Updated Mar 15, 2014

Republican Rx For Poverty: More CEOs

Last week Republican leaders Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor called for their party to address the issues of poverty. Yesterday, the House Republican Caucus responded by endorsing a market-based war on poverty under the rhyming acronym GOP/WOP.

The crux of GOP/WOP is the creation of 10,000 new private sector CEO positions. "CEOs of Fortune 500 companies averaged $13 million in compensation last year," House Majority leader John Boehner stated. "The best way to fight poverty is to allow the private sector to create 10,000 new CEO positions."

To prepare the poor and unemployed to compete for these positions, Boehner would offer limited government training. "Once these people learn to take credit for the achievements of others and avoid blame for their own mistakes, they are fully qualified to become corporate chief financial officers. Then with elementary training in flattery, ingratiation and sucking up, they have a good chance of becoming CEOs."

Democrats argue that such limited training would not enable the poor and unemployed to succeed as CEOs after obtaining the position. "So what?" Boehner answers. "They get fired and collect millions in parachutes and severance. The magic bullet to slay the evils of poverty is more CEOs."