05/17/2014 05:26 pm ET Updated Jul 17, 2014

Steven Clifford LTU HA

I have always envied people who appended initials to their name. I'm not talking about a striver working for a Human Resources consulting firm or grappling for tenure at a third-rate university who signs her name Virginia Cole Ph.D.

I'm talking about Duddleswell Stilton Wensleydale KG KBE (Knight of the Garter, Knight Commander of The Most Excellent Oder of the British Empire), Stilton Wensleydale Duddleswell CMG FBA (Commander, Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, Fellow of the British Academy) and Wensleydale Duddleswell Stilton QC CVO, (Queen's Counsel, Commander Royal Victorian Order).

This can be carried to excess as in the case of Prince Charles, HRH The Prince of Wales KG KT GCB OM AK QSO PC ADC(P) (Royal Knight Companion of the Order of the Garter, Knight Companion of the Order of the Thistle, Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Bath, Member of the Order of Merit, Knight of the Order of Australia, Companion of the Queen, Privy Counselor, Personal Aide de Camp.)

No wonder he is such a dunce. Imagine having to always introduce yourself as Prince Charles Alphabet Soup.

I have decided to become Steven Clifford LTU HA. The LTU signifies that I am a proud member of The Excellent and Most Distinguished Order of the Long Term Unemployed.

This will bring many benefits beyond raising my self-esteem above the bottom quintile. I will become an exemplar for both conservatives and liberals

Conservatives can contend that government handouts have sapped my initiative. Indeed after Medicare deductions, my wife and I collect $2,792 a month in Social Security. This covers all our expenses except for the semi-annual food minimums at private clubs. In my case, conservatives will note that my lack of employment is due primarily to my self-indulgence, torpor and drinking. My wife will supply confirmatory affidavits.

On the other hand, given my genial nature, amiable personality and endearing conviviality, liberals will frame me as sympathetic poster boy for the structurally unemployed. It's not Clifford's fault. American labor markets do not provide enough jobs for the self-indulgent, lazy and besotted. Thier options are limited to becoming right-wing talk show hosts or lawyers. Liberals will demand that under the Americans with Disabilities Act, employers make greater efforts to accommodate those afflicted with self-indulgence. A no-show job is my preferred accommodation.

The HA marks me as belonging to the Ancient and Royal Order of the Horse's Ass. HA is less exclusive that LTU as the former is automatically conferred on all reality show celebrities, strategic planning facilitators and investment bankers.

Steven Clifford LTU HA