THE BLOG
04/21/2014 11:29 am ET Updated Jun 21, 2014

Testosterone, High and Low

I am often mystified by advertisements. Ads for Abercrombie feature nearly naked post-pubescent looking sultry. As Abercrombie sells clothes, what is the purpose of this ad?

I see ads about "low T."

A rugged male states some facts about himself.

My sons play lacrosse. I know that chivalry is not dead. I love my snowmobile I collect election memorabilia. I like to dance with my wife. I have two parrots. I have golfed with the same foursome for 20 years. I don't get the french fry and mayo thing. I have low T.

This guy's life stacks up well against that the average male. Every fact about him tested positive in focus groups. He dances with his wife instead of arguing with her. He does not spend all weekend watching NFL games. A lane change by a car in front does not trigger road rage.

Are we supposed to attribute this good life to "low T" and buy a product to lower our levels? Not at all. We are supposed to crank up our T to the highest level possible.

Is this because low T causes snowmobileaphilla and sleeping with a snow mobile hampers sexual enjoyment? The ad does not say. In fact, the ad does not reveal a single benefit of high T. It merely states that low T can lead to lowered sex drive. The ad does not claim that high T will increase sex drive and fails to warn that high T will make you to act like a jerk, thus decreasing your chance of sexual success.

The ad fails to warn of the dangers of high T, such as increased prostate cancer, greater hair loss, lower sperm count, nausea, greater risk of blood clots and difficulty sleeping. It does not bother to mention psychological effects such as road rage and erratic mood swings.

Why does the ad obfuscate? An effective ad for high T would feature Vladimir Putin proclaiming:

I hunt, fish, and hike topless. I power-swim in ice-cold lakes. I fire darts with a crossbow at endangered grey whales. I am a black belt in Judo. I love my AK-47. I invade defenseless countries and annex their territories. I suppress civil liberties. I imprison my enemies. I have sex with everything that walks, crawls or slithers. I have high T.

Maybe Obama will buy something to raise his T. Maybe Hillary will counter with ads celebrating her high E.