03/13/2012 04:16 pm ET Updated May 13, 2012

Way Cool on the Cloud

I'm on the Cloud. How cool is that?

I figured life on the Cloud would be awesome. I could hang with the cool kids, listen to the Grateful Dead, and smoke some dope while my iPhone, computer, and iPad were effortlessly integrated.

The Cloud has been bitterly disappointing. You know who else is on the Cloud? Christian Mingle. That's right. Christian Mingle is on the Cloud and every day they offer me the opportunity to meet Christian singles. The Cloud is a friendly place. Where else would Christian singles want to meet a married atheist? Still mingling with Christians is not what I had in mind when I joined the Cloud.

Not that I dislike Christian singles. I would be equally dismayed if, from the Cloud, Atheists Exclude notified daily of atheists who wanted to avoid me. Since my iPhone and iPad lack spam filters, I must now double delete all messages from Christian Mingle, as well as those I expect in the future from Atheists Exclude.

Seattle Mayor Mike McGinn, the bicycle evangelist, is on the Cloud. (For the unfamiliar, Mayor McGinn is Dennis Kucinich without the savoir-faire, polished urbanity, and nuanced, penetrating intelligence.) Ron Paul and Senator Patty Murray are on the Cloud. McGinn, Paul, and Murray want my money and my vote. So much for hanging out with the cool kids.

The world was simple in high school and college; there were Cool Guys and there were Assholes. The Cool Guys drank, cut classes, played poker, and chased girls. The Assholes studied, sucked up to teachers, served as hall monitors, finished their papers two weeks before they were due, and debated amending the student constitution. I naively assumed that everyone, except for the premeds, wanted to be a Cool Guy, but most could not hack it.

After graduating I was shocked and dismayed to learn that all American institutions -- for-profit, non-profit, and governmental -- were run by the Assholes. Everywhere I looked, the Assholes were in charge. The Cool Guys had either disappeared or defected to the enemy.

I joined the Cloud hoping to return to the simple day of my youth and hang with the Cool Guys, only to discover that even on the Cloud, the Assholes were in charge. I now spend a good part of my day double deleting emails from the Assholes at, Credit-Score-Center, Belly Fat Blast, Affordable Insurance,, Cheaper Auto Coverage,, Lasik Vision, Loan Approval, TransCreditReport,, and the like. Such is the price I pay for attempting to remain a Cool Guy and prolong adolescence beyond all known bounds.