THE BLOG
06/05/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

A Long Angeles Story

A Los Angeles question from the advice pages of singleape.com. A bit long, and a bit long overdue.

Dearest ape,

First, I love and adore you, your apeness, your blog, column, nopes, music, photos, everything. second, my question... well, plea for guidance. Help me! As I have read and know from personal experience, in this city of angels, it's hard out here for a pimp! I don't mean to toot my own horn and say that I'm awesome or anything, but as far as it goes, I would not call myself something at which to sneeze! I'm a sane, rational, hard-working, somewhat attractive, height proportional to weight, fun lady. I can go from day to night with ease. I can totally hang with the dudes. I appreciate art and music of all kinds. I put out, but not all loosey-goosey or anything. I'm not a scholar, but consider myself inquisitive eager to learn and somewhat of a sponge...

The question, if there is one: what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm kinda losing my dating touch, that is, if I ever had one (short rundown of my history: went from a very LTR to STR to dating and just having fun). I have been told that I am in deed a flirt, have a good sense of humor that guys get and like, but I have also been told that I am intimidating because of my confidence and "don't give a shit attitude." Perhaps too intimidating to approach.

I meet guys at work, but I'm terrified to initiate anything because even though I don't have a normal 9-5 job or work with the same people all the time, I do see some of these people on a somewhat regular basis, depending on the job. And, I am also a firm believer in the sayings, "don't get your honey where you get your money" and "don't shit where you eat"... also, I am at the age where a lot of my immediate friends are either coupled or having babies, but I need to find fun single people and their friends with which to mingle.

So, I figure, why not give internet dating a go? That way, I can ease the site viewers into my personality, not too much, just enough in my profile for the men to see or want to know more of what's to come... I get a good amount of views and an occasional message. However, nothing to really whet my appetite. (This is putting it mildly, btw.)

Next question: do guys really want me to make the first move? I used to think that, but then that just leaves me feeling, well, meh. I am a firm believer that men are hunters and want to do the pursuing and chase me and I'm fine with that... not to mention, I also know that if a dude wants you, he wants you and will stop at nothing to have you. And if he knows, then you will know. If he doesn't, then you just feel confused. So, I am willing to chill out and let the dude do the courting. Besides, I would love to be chased.

Next question, and I believe I speak for a lot of women out here: can you pass the word on to your fellow Angeleno men to step the eff up?! There are too many amazing single women out here! People, not just the dudes, need to stop looking over their shoulders for the next best thing that can do something for them and be happy in the here and now...

How about a single ape speed date?! I would definitely be a part of that...

Sorry, that was a lot of words. To recap:
1. What the hell am I supposed to do?
2. Do guys really want me to make the first move or do they really wanna do the hunting?
3. How soon is the single ape speed dating sesh?

XOX, the cautious, yet curious tiger (it's my chinese horoscope and I refuse to be called a cougar... yet.)

There have been some long questions coming down the pike. Does that directly translate to confusion? I need an editor who trims the questions into nice little understandable packages while keeping the general vibe. Whenever I start trying to do it, it feels to me that a lot of it is pertinent. The answers are all in the little things... usually. Sometimes the answers are in the first sentence and the rest is an exercise in someone thinking they are special. But I like leaving that in there also. I figure if you think they are too long you can skim it yourself and get to the meat. Does that make me the meat? Fuck yea it does. Truthfully, the person who wrote this wrote me again the next day saying that I could trim it down -- because they were drunk when it was written, which is another reason why I kind of wanted to keep it long. I'm all for alcohol leading to bad decisions on the super-light side of the bad decision spectrum. Nothing stupid or damaging, just the stuff that needed a little booze shove, like that Facebook lob to the person you like or writing in to me.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

The first thing you should do is start mixing your honey and money, honey. (That didn't sound 60-year-old gay man, did it?) I know the old standard was you don't bone in the work zone, but these are new times, and we need new rules. We ditched all that Swingers business about when to call, so why can't we toss out a few more old rules while we are at it? Because honestly, the world is going to shit, of sorts, and job security just barely exists. You might not even be there tomorrow. On top of that, who cares if you see them a bunch. You flirted, they weren't into it. Whatever. Even getting drunk at the work party and sliding home with the assistant isn't the end of the world anymore. Truth is, people need time to meet people. The other truth is we spend most of our time at work, so if you're writing that time off you're really limiting yourself. The best work meets are the peripheral characters in you work place environment, like the UPS guy. But if you see someone you truly like at work, go for it, Ape says. It might be the best bad mistake you've ever made. I worked at a place in New York once where if two co-workers got married, one had to quit. They were fully aware, and it happened all the time, that when you combine boys and girls with hot work outfits, sex will happen. Don't fight the feeling. As for internet dating, I think it's just not for everyone. If you try it, and don't really like it, skip it. Humans have been getting laid since the beginning of time without getting ePoked. Why start now? Be sure to quote me on that when your mean-well but clueless friends tell you you're "limiting your options."

Do guys really want me to make the first move or do they really wanna do the hunting?

Yes and no. I mean, both? Guys like it anyway it comes at, or tries to get away from, them. Guys just like girls. Of course we can get into all sorts of discussions later about who should be doing what, but in the beginning just put it all out there and watch it all come back. I think people think too much about this stuff, honestly. Throw smiles like pennies in a fountain and all your wishes will usually come true. If some guy at work is extra hotness, then let him know with the flirt. If you don't want to actually go as far as asking guys out, then don't. I know I wouldn't want to. But don't assume they will all chase. Boys are wounded animals just like everyone else, and are quick to talk themselves out of a girl for fear that she is too hot or out of their league or just wouldn't date a loser like them. Never underestimate the ego crushing power of no-sex. It can get downright ugly. So don't limit the angles and size up every opportunity with different standards. Some should chase, some get chased. Some you both skip the chasing all together and just get to the make out. There is no instruction manual to this, because every crappy waferboard shelf gets built differently. Push, pull, ebb, flow... following? Fluidity and improvisation while keeping your eyes open and brain aware will do more for you than any rule book on what people should be doing. Am I saying the world is your jamband and your guitar solo is up? A little bit, yea. Tear that shit up.

How soon is the single ape speed dating sesh?

Never. Or a few days after never. If you think apeing is easy, let me tell you it's not. It could be for the right person, but I'm not that person. I've had countless people tell me things like "you should cut out the swearing and you could be like Dr. Phil," and all think is "fuck that." I have nightmares of being like that. Sitting on stages and offering a consoling hand while using words like "communication" and "commitment." I don't want to be that guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm down to help. I believe it's everyone's duty to help in some way. Personally I'm way too ADD for any kind of big brother mentoring or volunteer work, so this is what you get. But you get it the way I give it, which unfortunately doesn't include any kind of speed dating services or weekend seminars. No self help books or CD series on dedicating yourself to a relationship. Honestly, I can handle being a failure if I do it my way. But what if I tried to Dr. Phil and Dr. Failed instead? That would be depressing. Now, if you wanna come hang out at the bar and buy me drinks while I invite a bunch of questionably radical single friends for you to flirt with? That might be arranged.

In summary, Tiger... you sound like you have your shit together about who you are. Take my Dr. Phil advice at the end there and apply it to your own story. I know Los Angeles can be the harshest of tokes - believe me, I hear the horror stories daily - but if you just remain yourself and put out what you want back, everything will work out. I know that is so hippy it hurts, but I truly believe that. And to that I say feck yea.