07/20/2012 12:08 pm ET Updated Sep 19, 2012

Steven Replies To Spam, Vol. 1 -- Conversations With My Assassin

Below is A) an e-mail I recently received in my spam folder, and B) my reply. I've yet to hear back.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
To: Steven S.
Date: Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 2:47 PM
Subject: I Have Been Paid To ASSASSIN You:::::::::

Hello my name is killer demon am from china i've no other job than to kill to have been betrayed by some one very very close to you.he payed me to kill you.i don't know what you did to him and i don't care to know..but the person wants you dead and right now your life is in my have just 78hours to live after that me and my men shall come for your men are surrounding your house right now watching you and if you do anything stupid you shall re sieve a gun short from us.. but i can help you if you will pay me double of what he payed me.........and i can all so tell you who other d us to kill you..but that will be after you have payed to save your life..your life is in your hands now.

do not tell anybody or show anybody this mail cos your enemy is very close to you
as i'm sending this mail to you now.....remember do not tell anybody if you do the person who want you dead will know i told you...and that means trouble cos he will pay some one to kill you.....

you can contact me on this email


---------- Reply message ----------
From: Steven S.
Date: Wed, Jul 11, 2012 at 4:18 PM
Subject: re: I Have Been Paid To ASSASSIN You:::::::::

Dear Killer Demon,

Thanks for the e-mail and I trust things are well in China. Are you a fan of Yao Ming? I found him to be one heck of a basketball player (did you know he averaged .866 from the free throw line in the 2008-09 season? Stellar!)

So first off, K.D., I'm sorry to hear that 'killer-for-hire' is the only job currently paying enough for you to make ends meet. The economy has been tough on the best of us, and stable employment is certainly hard to come by these days (much less a dental plan that covers grills and in-office teeth whitening, amirite?). Your plight brings to mind the myriad prehistoric animals on The Flintstones, whom, after performing some menial task well below their station in life would turn to the audience and defeatedly sigh, "It's a living!"

They deserved better, K. Diddy. And so do you.

Secondly, I appreciate the 78-hour timeline you've set in place to ensure my short-term survival. Most assassins simply go out and assassinate (or 'assassin,' as they say in your neck of the woods) people while providing little-to-no warning whatsoever. I find such maneuvers both inconsiderate and unprofessional. As I'm sure you're aware, 65 percent of small assassin-based businesses fail in their first year, primarily due to minimal emphasis placed on customer (and in my case, victim) satisfaction. Believe me when I say those reviews can catch up with you in a hurry.

Lastly, In the spirit of reciprocity, I've spoken to an assassin of my own and he's agreed to counter-assassinate my frenemy, a.k.a. the guy who's hired you to assassinate me. The reasons for this are twofold: A) to end the codependent cycle of one-upmanship this mysterious hirer of assassins and I appear to share, and B) to ensure you don't get paid (nothing personal, just business). Originally, I had considered simply placing a stop payment on his check to you, but hey, bank fees, man.

Next, my counter-assassin assassin will proceed to track you down and, uh, do the appropriate assassiny-type things.

Okay, we're both mature adults here, Killy D., so I'll dispense with the euphemisms. My counter-assassin assassin will be giving you a 'bad touch.' Only, you know, on your cranium. With high-powered ammunition.

Hmm, I guess that's still kinda euphemism-ish.

At any rate, there is a silver lining: This series of events can be called off should you choose to immediately shell out double the amount you initially requested from me, which, to keep count, is four times the amount my frenemy had originally pledged to pay you upon assassinating me. This is how I conduct business, Phyllis Killer, and I trust you can respect my methodology (after all, I don't go to where you work and knock the sniper rifle out of your hand!).

Also, I now accept PayPal.