11/06/2012 09:48 am ET Updated Jan 06, 2013

10 Essential Voting Tips!

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Now that everyone is empowered by social media to behave in ways they've always wished they could but which vague morality and actual physical, tactile contact with human beings has in the past prevented, here are some ways to make the act of voting more exciting:

1. Shout When You Cast Your Vote!

As long as your friend Jared or cousin Bosephus is recording it on their iPhone so you can YouTube it and get lots of hits which mean absolutely fuck-all in the scheme of things but which nonetheless mysteriously motivates a significant amount of human activity, scream like a banshee with a paper cut when you cast your vote for Obama, Romney or Pat Paulson (who I still vote for, even though he and the demographic which actually remembers his brilliance is mostly dead).

2. Barbecue While Waiting On Line!

That's right! Because in many areas of the country there will be certain folks who loooove liberty so much that they will make it their business to prevent the widespread scourge known as "voter fraud." And expending energy to defend democracy makes a body "honnngry"! So fire up that George Foreman and let the aroma of brutally slaughtered chicken and pig (not to mention genetically modified ears of deeelicious corn) waft into the dilated nostrils of those patriotic watchdogs who glare at coloreds, poor folks and those sagging bags of near-deads, making sure they follow those God-given commandments: thou shalt show thy ID, though thou hast voted for, like, years before Rick Scott done done his thing and stuff.

3. Guess!

Fuggit! Fug democracy! Fug the Founding Fathers! Fug history! Fug whatever Mitt Romney says and then says the opposite of! Fug facts! Fug fugging whoever you want to fug! Just close your eyes and stab wildly at the choices! Hell, that's what serial killers and television and movie executives do every day and they make HUGE PILES OF CASH!!!! Fug 'em all!!!

4. Protest!

Use the right to vote as an expression of disdain for the corporate takeover of democratic rights bestowed upon all citizens of these United States. Use the moment in the voting booth as a sinner might use the confessional, or a person who ate a heavy Mexican brunch and who needs to make a doody might use an airplane bathroom, or when Superman cross-dresses in a phone-booth. Use one of the few activities that bond Americans to the actual experience of living in a democratic society as a way to show that you are not a faceless drone being hied along lines to purchase endless products we don't really need and watch a parade of mind-numbing visuals we could live longer without ever having viewed.

And then, once having used the act of voting as a means to declare one's existence in a meaningful way, by all means Tweet about it and then go to Whole Foods and spend a lot of money on kale salad that you could grow for pennies in a shoebox in your closet.

5. Take A Dry Shower!

Many voting booths are actually enclosed and quite private, thank you very much. Why not kill two birds with one stone (apologies to PETA and kudos to Ted Nugent!) and use the opportunity to denude, exfoliate and otherwise redress all your hygienic issues in the time it takes to sort through local propositions, wall-eyed candidates for ombudsman and other patently useless exercises in civil obedience? No water necessary! Just use a loofah (or a heel from a stale baguette) and rub away the filth of ignorance!

6. Masturbate!

7. Consult A Voting Guide!

No matter what your political persuasion, you can find a guide that makes it quick, easy and painless to exercise your right to vote. Wanna know what a certain proposition put forth by a cadre of undisclosed billionaires which cuts funding for public education, arts and infrastructure means? Use the voting guide! Wanna know which candidate wants to make it easier for grandpappy to obtain a truss to keep all his floppy bits in place and which candidate wants to parcel off hunks of melting icebergs on which to place a babbling and incontinent grandpappy even though Global Warming's a hoax? Use the voting guide! Who says print is dead? Hippies do, that's who!

8. Write Me In!

Look, I know I have few qualifications if any to hold any responsible office and have watched far too much porn and smoked far too much weed to quality.... hold on!!!!!

9. Breathe!

That's right. There's a lot of shit going on in this world of ours: Natural disasters, Sharia Law, you name it -- Americans are uptight! So, vote or not, take this free time behind that curtain, that partition or just the natural shield provided by the unnatural girth of the person voting next to you and just.... breathe.

10. Just Vote!

The irony is that the people we tend to vote for actually look down on voters and voting. That's just idiotic, right? That's like a snake eating its own tail! A wolf in a trap gnawing off its own head to escape! And yet, voting has become a power shakily wielded by a senile superhero, who has to be nudged into sentience to then shuffle into a school cafeteria or a church basement in order to look at a confusing conglomeration of fonts and "make a choice", only to then go back to their once cool superhero lair which is now lit by bare light bulbs and festooned with brassieres hanging from clothespins and refrigerator magnets to watch "the results". Better to place a half a stick of butter and handful of corn kernels in your mouth, put your head in a microwave for 60 seconds and then enjoy a mess-free treat! (But don't forget to record it with a handy iPhone or what the hell difference would living make?)

But voting's pretty much all we have left, America. So get off your ass and do it.