11/29/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Blank the Blanker

How you doin'? I'm _______ the _______.

You may have heard the candidates mentioning Joe the Plumber on their various stumps, making that guy a household word and whatever. A hero to some and an instant punch line to others. Sure, he's lost his privacy and whatever integrity he may have had before he became Joe the Plumber, back when he was only Samuel the Not Yet the Plumber, but since when does anyone need privacy or integrity if they're gonna be famous? He's probably gonna end up with a lucrative coloring book deal and his own show on HGTV or Spike or something.

If you ask me, he should change his name from Joe the Plumber to Lucky the Bastard.

But don't get me wrong: he was smart enough to stick his smacked-ass of a face in front of Obama's strategically positioned cameras at the right moment, just when America was looking for a leader such as he. Joe, I salute your initiative and verve. Kudos and balls, my friend, kudos and balls.

So what does that make me, Chop the Liver? I'm all for plumbing but it ain't like it's the number one thing you need in order to live your life. I mean, if you have to answer Nature's Call, just drop your waders or hike your skirt and bombs away. That's what I do. Hands dirty? Hock-pitooey, give 'em a rub, ready to go.

Sorry, Joe the Plumber. This guy's doing fine without your handout.

Just because you're a big muckety-muck doesn't mean your poop doesn't stink. And it hadn't oughta anyway unless you've been eating that caviar and drinking those lattes and when you answer Nature's Call there's a hank of hair clogging the drain or whatever. I don't care, you're a plumber, just fix the damn thing.

And say, I'm as authentic as Joe the Plumber any day. In fact, I think I'm realer. And also I'm realer than all those other men and ladies the candidates keep mentioning in their speeches. That's right. I'm realer than John the Lawyer, Bill the Pipe Fitter, Flo the Waitress, Dave the Astronaut, Kyle the McLaughlin, Trini the Caddy, Elvira the Landlord, Tess the D'urbervilles, Mickey the Mantle, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf, Greta the Dominatrix, Larry the Cable Guy's Assistant, Puff the Magic Dragon, Ed the Begley, Jr.---you name 'em, I'm realer. Why aren't I on everyone's lips? Aren't I worthy? What's with the elitism, Joe?

I could be a spokesman for the everyguy and I wouldn't be controversial like Joe the Plumber, believe me. I mean, sure, like him I don't pay any taxes but that's because I've been unemployed for years and live at home with my mother and my stepfather, Gilbert the Lazy Cough Medicine Swilling Fuckface.

And yeah I didn't graduate high school 'cause, I mean like, what the hell for? Why study when a guy can rise from obscurity like Joe the Plumber and live the American Dream? That's why I'm devoting my time here today, doing what comes naturally to all real Americans: selling myself to the highest bidder.

So, to all you Betty the X-Ray Technicians and Chuck the Latvian Bail Bondsmans and Genevieve the Cat Neuterers and Ted the Bundies and all you other potential regular guys and gals who just want a fair shake in today's world: drop the dead 'cause I was here first. Well, first after Joe the Plumber, my hero. And yours.