07/05/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Conspiracy Theory

As the oil plumes up from the bottom of the Gulf in a colossal, Earthly grepps, theories as to the how and why of this ecological disaster are cropping up with the alacrity of boils on Dick Cheney's neck.

Instead of once again copping to their complicity in the breakdown of systems theoretically designed to stave off disaster, the Tighty Righties, seeking even less regulation for their own thought processes than for the oil, banking and health care industries, are concocting conspiracy theories to explain the Kerfuffle in the Gulffle (my attempt at a Colbert chyron. Don't call you. I'll call me.).

Was there a crack team of Liberal-leaning frogmen (frogpersons?) dispatched from Obama's secret eco-bunker to upturn the rig and pull the tampon from the Gulf's cazootie, thereby guaranteeing a moratorium on deep sea drilling and giving the Loony Left its own 9/11, by which they could seize the opportunity to socialize and otherwise de-Americanize The Greatest Country on Earth®?

Have memos been uncovered revealing that an Operation Northwoods-like plan had been underway since Obama's test-tube birth (overseen by Mengele and Adlai Stevenson) in that lab in Kenya in 1961 where "it" all started?

Is the same "magic bullet" which passed through Kennedy's back, exited through his throat, went through the car seat, entered Connelly's back, exited just above his nipple, trotted up his wrist, cleaned the brim of his Stetson and took a chunk outta some curb responsible for the rig's explosion? (To hell with chyrons for Colbert. I'm writing syllabi for Glenn Beck!)

Here's the conspiracy, and it's no theory: years of conscious attempts to break the machine of government in order to ensure a more impediment-free profit process has precipitated this, along with many of the other newsworthy woes which now face this administration and our country. The bastards who brought you the Federal Reserve, false flag ops, Iran-Contra, NAFTA, a little thing called the Vietnam War, Desert Storm, Shock and Awe and blah-blah-Buddha knows what else have decided that profiteering equals patriotism.

Under Obama, despite the relentless attacks from ideological opponents bent on creating a broken government from which their craven enterprises could thrive, we have witnessed government actually working. (Cue the outraged trolls.)

Yeah, yeah, bring on the incredulity.

Good. Question authority. Hold it to its promises and its potential. Regulate the sucker. But don't sabotage the very structure upon which Democracy depends, the facilitator of freedom from this country's inception; don't consciously prevent the operation of a well-run and competent system which would ensure its citizens the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

But for the Tighty Righties, that particular scenario is simply unbelievable.