Today is the day of my first post. It is also my third attempt to write it.
I started off writing straight from the heart about my fear of being judged, then my computer crashed and I lost it all.
Rather than being upset I smiled... maybe that was the lesson. Rather than getting upset that things hadn't gone to plan and getting cross with myself for not saving my work, maybe the lesson was letting go...acceptance. Then it happened again! My second attempt was completely gone.
Isn't there a saying? Something along lines of the same lesson will continue to present itself to you until you learn it? Well I have learned. After pouring my heart out twice I am now sitting here looking a blank page again. I feel I have two ways of looking at this...
1. I failed. Not just once but twice. I should just give up, maybe the blog was a stupid idea...
2. I get back up, forget the past, learn the lesson, change my approach and carry on.
Wow, isn't that a lesson that can be applied to life?! The great thing is I get to choose! So, I am now on my PC rather than my iPad and saving my work... a lot!
So, back to my thoughts on judgement, after one rather large lesson on acceptance and persistence...
I don't know when it started, but I have lived the majority of my life not feeling quite good enough. Depending on the day and who I am with, I can feel anything from not pretty enough, to not smart enough, not funny enough, my hair is too frizzy, my clothes are all wrong, my ankles are too chubby, I'm not a good enough dancer... I'm simply not enough. I spend so much time in my head worrying about what people are thinking about me that it is exhausting, genuinely emotionally exhausting.
I try to second guess. When I am dressing -- will people think I look nice in this? Is my hair ok? What will they think? Do these shoes go with this dress.... Is this cool enough?
Honestly I drive myself INSANE.
Growing up, I remember people around me being incredibly quick to comment on other people.
I'd hear things like: Have you seen what she is wearing? Who does she think she is?
This left me confused. Two minutes earlier they had been smiling and paying compliments to the same person -- maybe this is where my lack of trust and expectation of judgment stems from?
As a child I was a little different... I had frizzy ginger hair, goofy teeth, chunky ankles and a social awkwardness that to be honest many little girls have... saying silly things and being a little bit of an attention seeker.
I had a beautiful best friend -- blonde-haired, blue-eyed, funny, a great singer and dancer -- and I believe this is where I first started to judge myself. It wasn't that people were mean or negative towards me... I had my fair share of ginger jokes but that didn't overly worry me. It was more that I never got any positive attention -- that all went to my friend, and so I thought she was the right way to be, and I was wrong.
I so desperately wanted to fit in and to be accepted that I became something of a social chameleon from that point on, forever second guessing myself and doing what I thought people would want, rather than being true to myself and doing what made me feel good. (Although being accepted made me feel good so I guess that makes at least some sense!)
The thing I realized today, in my first attempt at this post, is that no matter what I look like, no matter what stupid things I have said or done and no matter what clothes I am wearing, I am incredibly lucky. I have amazing friends, a lot of people love me. My parents, brother and the rest of my family love and adore me. Why do I care more about the opinion of others than my own self-worth? And are people judging me anyway? Am I not the only one pulling myself apart? I don't do this to other people. I accept them as they are... so why do I expect that people are judging me?
Although I am now a world away from that awkward little girl, I do still feel like her sometimes... but of course I do. She is me and will always be a part of me. My job is to love her and accept her, and reassure her that she is just fine as she is.
I realize today that judgement is not serving me. I have been my own harshest critic for too long now and it needs to stop. Self-acceptance is hard, for me and for everyone, but really I believe that it is the only way to long term peace and happiness. I aim to accept myself as I am, perfectly imperfect. I feel this is a good place to start.