THE BLOG
01/08/2015 06:13 pm ET Updated Mar 10, 2015

15 Really Simple Tips For Your Best Year Ever!

1) Identify a few things that are wrong with your character and attempt, most likely unsuccessfully, to improve them. You're probably insufficiently grateful or a terrible listener. Maybe you're just a selfish harpy who only ever thinks of herself.

2) Be more mindful. We don't actually know what this means, but we believe it refers to a mind that is the opposite of full -- really voided out of any thoughts whatsoever. Thoughts make life unnecessarily complicated. Try not to think.

3) Go on an adventure, preferably a controlled one; you don't want to be unsafe. While you are wherever you are, find a way to reduce this complex culture to one thing that you learned. Maybe you learned how to eat? Or to pray?

4) Commit yourself to a skin regime, including regular exfoliation. Your skin looks terrible.

5) Get organized! Try to organize your dog, who runs around in the most disorderly fashion. Teach her to stay in one place forever, and if she's incapable of this, return her to the dog store.

6) Resolve to spend more time by yourself and then instantly panic at the idea.

7) Read a book that everyone refers to as "Dickensian." This means that the book is good because it is reminiscent of the work of a writer you have no interest in reading.

8) De-clutter your home! No matter how much stuff you have, it is too much. Throw it all away, and then build yourself a sleek white box and live in it.

9) Cut down on your housework. Leave the dishes in the sink and dive into that romantic comedy you've been dying to watch. You may find that the smell of rotting food becomes almost unbearable after a few days, but you won't be able to tear yourself away from that charming Gerard Butler and his totally not misogynist films.

10) Learn something new, you ignoramus! You could take up floral arrangement or political activism. Such activities will help you to fill your days and decrease the haunting sensation that you are gazing into your own grave.

11) Unplug. Technology is inherently bad, as everyone knows. As soon as you finish reading this on your laptop, tablet, or Kindle, drop the offending item into a bathtub filled with water and make yourself a cup of chamomile tea.

12) But before you throw away all your devices, contact a person you have lost touch with because you were fundamentally incompatible and lacked shared values, and try to rekindle your friendship based on nothing more than nostalgia and narcissism.

13) Make a list of all the ways that other human beings have disappointed you. Perhaps by being late all the time or by failing to send thank-you cards? Someone must have neglected to buy you a wedding gift 15 years ago. Spend some time reflecting on their shortcomings.

14) Identify a hang-up you have about your physical appearance and then try not to think about it too much. There are so many options: women's bodies all have something super-gross about them. Maybe you have fat ankles, or your cuticles are unkempt, or your lips are so thin they repulse people.

15) Let your stress go! Why are you so anxious anyway? What the hell is wrong with you!?!