THE BLOG
01/14/2015 05:45 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Clementines Are Overrated

If you've started reading this, half of you are probably wondering what a clementine is, and the other half are probably outraged that someone could badmouth this rare and precious citrus fruit that, much like Girl Scout cookies, is overrated, and only graces us with its presence for a short time in January each year.

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You may be angry right now. You probably just ran into your kitchen to palm two of them, with a third half-peeled and ready to be popped into your mouth like a slightly more raggedy grape. Guess what? They have you fooled.

Think about it. The unnecessary wooden crate?

"Look at me! I've purchased fruit delivered in a crate! It's sustainable! I have a souvenir to prove that I purchased rare fruit in such bulk that a tiny wooden crate was necessary for its transport!"

Those tiny fruit balls are NOT crate-worthy. Every other citrus fruit comes in a bag. Are you making tiny pallet furniture and housing for your Squinkies with that? If not, then settle the f@!% down.

"Paper or plastic?"

"Wood"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you had CLEMENTINES!"

The limited-time-only scam is another genius move. At first it was winter, and then only the month of January, until the urban myth started being exploited even further like an ugly game of telephone.

"I just got my crate - they are in season! Oh my god I LOVE clementines!"

"You know you can only get 'em for two weeks"

Mini forklift time bitches.

I just bought strawberries in the middle of January, I'm sure there is some tropical place where you can get clementines to grow for a little longer than two weeks. The shelf life alone is 2 weeks, so help me with the math here. Even cicadas stick around for longer than 2 weeks, and those bastards are on the 17-year plan.

I know, I know. They're cute. You can peel their little Day-Glo skins in one continuous strip, and you can cradle them in your hand like a little baby chick. You can talk baby-talk to them and squeeze them with glee, but you know what?

If you haven't noticed, it's a tanger-effing-rine.

And you can buy those year-round.

So, Girl Scouts with your Do-si-dos? I know a Nutter Butter when I see one, and I'm coming for you next.

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