05/22/2007 09:14 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Side of Caution

It's funny, isn't it, how people always want to err on the side of caution when it doesn't affect them directly in the slightest little bit?

I especially liked this writer's handy response to the "who are you to impose your values on others?" comeback: You're all slaveowners! So that's that...

Say, for instance, that you believe a blastocyte has full agency on par with any human being. Well, then! Why shouldn't your opinion be taken as the force of law? (It is perhaps not a coincidence that the person who wants to EOTSOC in this instance is someone who blogs at, a gang of wingnuts that takes a pass on moral consistency when it comes to things like "just war" theory. But I digress.)

I like this argument, a lot. Because I happen to think that male sperm may, despite scientific research to the contrary, hold the very life essence itself. After all, a female egg is nothing without it (make an omelet, break a few eggs, etc.). Sperm is the very battery in the Energizer bunny, as it were. And in light of that vitality, I suggest the following - you know, just on the side of caution.

First of all, we need to make male masturbation illegal. All that life essence, tossed away on a wadded-up Kleenex or thrown into the wash on an old sock? Where is the reverence?

Some people may not agree with me. They might point out that it's commonly accepted scientific "knowledge" that sperm must meet egg, but I'm not so sure. After all, doesn't the Bible say man's seed can't be spent upon the ground?

By the way, St. Clement of Alexandria happens to agree with me:

Because of its divine institution for the propagation of man, the seed is not to be vainly ejaculated, nor is it to be damaged, nor is it to be wasted. (The Instructor of Children 2:10:91:2 A.D. 191)

Second, we need to do something about this nocturnal emission nonsense. We simply can't allow the slaughter of innocents to go on.

To this purpose, I suggest the reinstatement of preventative measures like these.

But the women will have to do their part, too. No more of that inhumane practice known euphemistically as "fellatio." Let's call it what it is: cannibalism.

Gentlemen, I'm sure you'll agree it's best to err on the side of caution. Time to stop the killing.