11/26/2012 02:41 pm ET Updated Jan 26, 2013

Why I Haven't Remarried... Maybe

I've been divorced a very long time. I've dated over 500 men. (Told you it's been a long time!)
And I've recently figured out a possible reason. I watch too many soap operas! Really. I think that could be it. Discuss.

First of all, I've always been a freelance writer person, except for a one year period of servitude to a TV staff, which shall be nameless. (Square pegs... OK?!) And a two-year do-gooder real job at a philanthropic organization, which I really won't name.

At any rate, that schedule or lack thereof made it possible for me to stay in my PJs all day and work at night if I felt like it. Particularly after the divorce. As a writer! Get your minds out of the gutter. And watch two soaps every day of my life... or so-called life.

Now here is the point. Soaps are as addictive as other drugs but only seem less harmful. Seem being the operative word. In reality, or whatever passes for it if you watch soaps... they are danger plus!

Soaps with the heightened drama, sting chords, beautiful people and insane plot turns can make one think differently about the mundane, no musical accompaniment and normal hair that most of us have in our lives.

The standard soap romance is high intrigue, amnesia, car accidents, evil twin, amnesia again
sagas. But the guy keeps coming back in one face or another. And even changes actors but is
the same guy sort of even if you know he's not and it bothers you a lot in the beginning.
And when they re-connect, the lovers are even more in love. And did I say, even with amnesia?
I forgot.

So in real life when you don't get any of that stuff and are dating some guy who's perfectly
nice but doesn't talk in passionate dialogue with pregnant pauses and doesn't overcome
the greatest obstacles to get back to you... well, it's kind of boring!

My ex-husband used to say "me too" when I'd say "I love you." Or "luv ya," which isn't quite
"I would die for you, my darling run, we're being fired upon," or "I will kill for you."

It doesn't feel like love to me unless there is a stinger chord at the end of the evening.
Real guys, who also don't have the hair or muscles that soap heroes have just don't cut it.
They can't compete. They have to do things like take out the garbage and remember anniversaries and pay the check so they have to work... sometimes too hard! They can't run around rescuing you all the time. No one writes their dialogue. They aren't named Jason or Bo.

What a fool I've been! Why I will turn off my daytime soaps immediately. And go into the real world and... well... maybe tomorrow. There a few nighttime soaps like Revenge I'm kind of into now. And since when is the "real world" such a great place for meeting guys. Let's leave it as a cliffhanger... will I or won't I? Shall we? (Cue the stinger chord.)