02/19/2015 03:17 pm ET Updated Apr 21, 2015

How to Know If You're in the Fifty Shades of Grey Stage of Your Life

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If you're more apt to know people in the Obits than any other section of the paper... if you still read the paper... if you need glasses to do it... this is for you.

  1. The only after party you are invited to is a shiva
  2. Your implants are done by dentists, not cosmetic surgeons
  3. Proper names -- both of famous people and friends -- are in the archives
  4. The first number on your speed dial is your primary care physician's
  5. Unloading things at a thrift shop is more fun than shopping
  6. Most phone calls begin with, "Hello, Senior," and offer you a deal on Life Alert systems
  7. You have no idea what a hashtag is
  8. Everything seems overpriced
  9. You have an AOL email address
  10. You have several pairs of glasses, none of which you can find
  11. You need assistance to watch a podcast
  12. You think Fifty Shades of Grey is a hair color chart
  13. Giving back is the new putting out
  14. Your career is called an "encore career" -- as is mine