05/14/2012 12:10 am ET Updated Jul 28, 2014

'Real Housewives of New Jersey': The Pool Party From Hell

Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 4, Episode 4 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Woah. Jaw-dropping episode. Teresa made up with everyone, Rosie wore a full face of makeup and Joe Gorga checked into a sexual addiction rehab center. HAHAHA JK JK! Don't worry, you'll still feel dirty and broken after reading this.

The show opens with everyone recaping/re-freaking out about the summer solstice party from hell. You remember, the night when everyone wore bindis to open their "third eye," but Teresa and Melissa tried to gouge each other's out instead? Caroline says Teresa is officially insane -- but if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then Kathy's the one who's bonkers. She wants to try one last time to bring everyone together ... but more about that later.

Meanwhile, Teresa and Melissa tell their hubbies about the night of horrors. Teresa's husband Joe calls Melissa a horse and a slut. (He also calls Rosie a "Butchie Boy," which is not very kind.) Melissa's husband Joe is more relaxed. He's annoyed, but he listens and promptly moves on.

How's Jacqueline, you ask? She's still stuck between a rock and Satan's mistress. Teresa put her in the middle of everything last week, so she comes over to fix things. In Jersey, "fixing things" means talking for a few minutes and then exercising with a load of makeup and a fresh blow out. As they're workin' on their fitness, Kathy calls Teresa to invite her over ... and even though Teresa's in the middle of a training sesh, she answers and chats for days. Unless eye rolling counts as an exercise, nobody actually works out.

Speaking of people who don't seem to do anything, menopausal Caroline's kids are at the Jag dealer lookin' for a sex wagon for the boys to get new STDs in! Caroline and her hubby Albert head on over to look at the $80K toy -- and hubby says SURPRISE, the car is really for CAROLINE since it's their 30th wedding anniversary. Very sweet! I have no snarky remark for this, especially because I also believe that the more you love someone, the more you should spend on them.

Over at Kathy's, the BBQ is failing as hard as Albie Manzo in law school. Kathy's kids don't seem to have any friends, but Rosie's there in head-to-toe white, plus her favorite fashion bandana, so the joint's jumping. Jacqueline and Caroline can't come, so it'll just be the Wakiles, Teresa and her kids and Melissa's whole fam. Teresa and Melissa compete to see who can ignore the other for longer while the kids practice drowning each other. You can cut the tension with a knife ... and serve it to Rosie who, despite an epic belly flop, is very much enjoying her afternoon.

Finally, Joe breaks the silence and calls a noticeably nervous Teresa over for a chat. "You look good. You workin' out?" she asks. (He is.) It's only a quick 10-second exchange, but it's indicative of a larger relationship: Beneath all the reality TV insanity they're brother and sister -- and being at odds makes them uncomfortable.

When he mentions how happy the kids are at the party and how much the fractured family stinks, Teresa immediately does SFUC (Scary Face Ugly Cry) and says, "You're not my brother anymore." Off to a good start!

Teresa says she wants "the old Joey" back -- the single Joe who put her before any other woman -- including his wife. She basically wants her brother to denounce Melissa, draw a line in the sand and stand with her. Meanwhile, the very woman she's degrading is off comforting and snuggling the kids Teresa hasn't looked at since the talk started.

What a horse-faced slut!

"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" airs at 10 p.m. ET on Sundays on Bravo.