Leah
Since the twins' birthday had Leah and Jeremy working at breakneck speed, they decide to decompress with a little getaway. They head up to a darling cabin in, uh, wherever people who already live in the woods go to see more woods. "I'd say you go jump in bed and I'll go jump in the hot tub," Jeremy drawls, oblivious to the fact that hot tubs were created for the sole purpose of pre-marital sex and the spreading of STDs.
But when Leah heads to their room, Jeremy opens his camo bag, takes out a jewelry box and reveals the true reason he wanted some space: He's planning to propose. Just a few episodes in and boyfriend already decided to go Jared's second cousin. For now, he pops the box in a vase for safe keeping and nervously putters around.
The next morning, while Leah's sound asleep, Jeremy preps breakfast in bed. Then he goes upstairs and nervously barks "wake up." As Leah reads the card attached to her flowers, her eyes get wide and she wildly bares her frighteningly jagged shark teeth. I know this is a really special moment and I'm focusing on the wrong large, off-white objects but damn girl, what is happening in that mouth? It seriously looks like 500 Chicklets are trying to secede from the union of her head.
Oh, by the way, her answer is "yes." After the big question, Leah allows herself 1 minute to be happy and live in the moment before asking Jeremy if he wants kids. His answer is "yes" -- and surprise, he'd like them basically immediately. "I did have [the babies] at 16, and I don't want to wait another 10 years to have more," Leah agrees. Looks like you'll have a hot tub buddy after all, Jeremy!
When Leah calls her mom to relay the info, she doesn't get the reception she'd hoped for. It's less "YAY!" and more "Oh, this again. Hope it turns out better." Actually, that's sort of the vibe from both ends of the phone. Instead of dancing and crying, Leah sounds like she's making excuses for why it was a good, logical idea. I guess when you've been through childbirth and a divorce by 20, you think more with your head than your heart.
Back at home, Leah decides it's time for some deep bath conversation with her babies. "Do you want mommy and Jeremy to get married?" she sing-songs. "Hmm, well I'm not totally sure," Aleeah answers, wiping some bubbles off her brow. "Do you feel you are ready for a social union that establishes rights and obligations? Also, can you please pass the ducky?"
"He will never be your daddy, but he will be your step-dad," Leah clarifies. Such early explanation is a mature way to handle a difficult family situation, and proof that you can't totally judge this seemingly ditzy book by its cover.
With Jeremy gone for the time being, Leah needs a little adult conversation ... but she settles for her friend Kayla instead. "I have something to tell you," Leah announces from her pedicure chair. "I took out my IUD birth control." Woah. Judging from how fast she got pregnant the first time, I'm pretty sure she could conceive from the vibrations of that nail salon massage chair.
Kayla's shocked. We know that because she looks shocked and then says "Wahhh?" which is a mix between a hillbilly pronunciation of "Why" and "ARE YOU AS STUPID AS YOUR BANGS LOOK?"
So, "wahh?" Leah explains that she loves Jeremy and feels like he "really wants a kid." What happens if history repeats itself and things don't work out? Well, "that wouldn't be good" is Leah's sage reply. She reminds Kayla that she's 20 now. In case you didn't realize, readers, 20 is almost 30 which is pretty much dead ... so it's time to get tickets to the procreation train and ride straight to the first trimester.
But all this "what if?!" conversation is potentially for naught, 'cause Leah admits she's already been feeling nauseous and sick. What kind of sick, you wonder? "Like the smell in here is really strong," she says. Well, she is surrounded by gnarly feet, poison acrylic nail dust and the stink of the uneducated ... but let's face it, she's probably got a bun in need of a mani/ped/wax in her oven.
"I really just want a family," she says inexplicably. Girlfriend, you've got TWO babies at home, an ex-husband and a fiance -- I'm pretty sure you've got enough family for a hot minute.
Back at home, Leah takes the test -- and it's as positive as Jenelle's drug tests. "Mommy's gonna have another baby!" she says to the twins. "Do you want mommy to have another baby?" she asks. They both cry "NO!," which isn't too reassuring. Then again, they are very occupied with smashing some disgusting looking bits of sauce-y bread into their faces, so who knows if they are really listening. Babies ... can't live with 'em, can't live without constantly creating them.
Jenelle
Note: After days of vicious back-and-forth with her husband and allusions to hospitalization, multiple news outlets have confirmed that Jenelle suffered a miscarriage on Friday, January 25. My heart goes out to her.
To celebrate the fact that she hasn't gone to jail in a few minutes, Jenelle's mom lets her bring Jace to a children's museum. The two stooges Hannah and Tori come along too, for comic relief.
They put on a lovely and extremely age-appropriate puppet show for Jace, which involves Donkey (playing the role of Jenelle) and Lamb Chop (playing ex-roomie Amber) yelling expletives at each other. I believe it's titled "Someone Please Call Child Services." Since it's so similar to Jace's depressing home life, he enjoys it greatly.
The next day, Jenelle gets a shocking call from her alleged baby daddy, Andrew. He admits he's behind in child support, but he'd still very much like to see his spawn. He signs off with a dramatic "God bless." It's been over a year since she heard from that upstanding citizen, so she's truly got no idea how to feel. If only it were as easy as asking her Ed Hardy by Christian Audigier steering wheel/seat cover/entire car interior what it would do. But then again "uh, why don't you ride a fire-breathing dragon over to the naked mermaid and talk about skulls" doesn't work for everyone.
The conversation really shook Jenelle up ... and made her realize that she has to face something very painful. "I don't even know if Andrew is Jace's father," she confides to a friend. So, uh, who is? I assumed Satan, 'cause he obviously also created Ke$ha and that seems like good common ground for him and Jenelle. Buuuuut it's not that simple. One night, Jenelle and Andrew had a fight so she went to Tori's boyfriend's house. They got hammered, had sex, and a month later the ol' pee stick said "You're screwed!"
She quickly answers the million-dollar question: Yes, all parties, including Tori, know about Jenelle's mistake. Suddenly, that vicious friend-beat down makes a lot more sense -- and I'm kind of shocked Tori didn't straight up go for the jugular. I guess being BFF means never having to say "I'm sorry I accidentally created a baby with your man friend." This entire story line is proof that the show isn't scripted: You seriously could not even write this stuff.
Later, Jenelle meets Bahhbrahh at a restaurant to discuss the call and her desire for a paternity test. "I feel really slutty that I did it," Jenelle says of the night she conceived Jace. "Sometimes uh, somefin like that happens," Bahhbrahh says. Well, typically most people actually don't get drunk and cheat with their best pal's lover, Bahhbrahh, but nice attempt at soothing your super-whore daughter. Oh and while we're talking about you, I love what you're doing with the gray eyeshadow! Why try to contain it to your lids when you could actually just rub it on the top part of your face and then draw attention to it with some magnifying eye glasses?
Though Jenelle's decided the paternity test is necessary, it will be a waste of time and DNA if Andrew doesn't get one, too. When she calls him, the conversation starts out innocently enough. It's all "hey, how are you?" and "oh, not in jail anymore." You know, the typical teen updates. Things get a whole lot more awkward when Andrew admits he's not sure how old Jace is, and when Jenelle asks why he has been so absent in his son's life. "You always say something negative to me ... you guys didn't let me be a father to Jace," he rants. He admits he doesn't feel he's the biological dad, but will happily take a test to answer that question once and for all.
Jenelle's totally devoid of emotion as this all plays out, and it's obvious that she's completely numb to the situation. Jenelle never seemed like someone capable of keeping such a huge secret; she wears her heart on her sleeve and screams her feelings, after all. The web she's woven is so tangled, I can't believe she hasn't been strangled in it ... and it's obvious that her wounds and troubles are even deeper and darker than we thought.
Chelsea
Don't you wish you knew for sure how Chelsea felt about her GED? She's just so subtle and adorably coy, I truly wonder if she's all crazy stressed about her tests -- particularly the math or science. Finally, after a season of "will she or won't she?" Chelsea gives us a window into her world. Between moving and the test, she's overwhelmed ... so she figures it's a perfect time for Adam and his family to watch Aubree. That'll free her up to unpack, while also giving the other set of grandparents some of the 1:1 time they keep asking for.
She leaves Adam a monotone voicemail that says "don't worry, I'm still completely demented," and then tells her mom that this'll be the first time in four years they aren't spending his birthday together. When the big day rolls around, Chelsea and Aubree call Adam to say happy birthday. Well, technically only Aubree speaks, so it's more like "hoppy birf-fay," and it's really friggin cute. Nothing like using your sweet, innocent baby to hear the voice of the man you love in an unhealthy, co-dependent way.
Later that night, friends Tyler and Mitch come over to hang. "I'm going to cry ... I cannot stop thinking about it," Chelsea whines. "I remember crying about him when I was a sophomore -- and I'm 20 now and still crying." She's torturing herself by imagining the drunken mess of a night Adam's likely having, and eventually she's so overcome with emotion that she goes upstairs to sob with Aubree. It's officially time for life to quit handing Chelsea lemons. First of all, she's obviously using them to lighten her hair. Secondly, I'm afraid she's going to blow a blood vessel, and that's really not going to help her look.
After a rough few days, it's finally time for Chelsea to move into her new place. Since she has tons of friends, the whole process takes like 4 seconds. My personal favorite decor decision is how she's glued the word "Always" to a wall. Always ... be potty training? Stalk your abusive ex? Misuse headbands? This will always be one of life's greatest mysteries, right up there with the natural color of Chelsea's skin.
Kailyn
With Isaac at his dad's house, Kailyn's free to hang with her new crush, Javi the Bowling Sex God. Over some diner food we learn that he's studying criminal justice, hopes to be a cop, and is generally delightful.
After they both admit rather sheepishly that they're single, Kailyn warns him that it's not easy dating someone who has a kid. I admire Kailyn's honesty, but also get sad whenever she feels the need to drop this negative knowledge on people. She goes into all situations assuming she'll be rebuffed, and I'm glad Javi wants to buff her (or whatever the correct antonym is). I like the gooey-eyed way he looks at her, and her return gaze is nothing like the "I tolerate you" mask she popped on around Jordan.
Still, Kailyn's not entirely sure how to handle a problem like Javi. Friend Gigi slaps on some makeup, falls asleep in it then comes over to chat. "I'm not rushing into a relationship again, that's for sure," Kailyn explains. This time, she wants to do things in the right order: Be friends, slowly introduce him to Isaac, then consider something bigger.
Before she can worry about the big son/potential beau meeting, she's got a special milestone to attend to: Isaac's first haircut! As Kailyn takes photos and bundles up a lock of his newly-shorn hair, Jo stares at his phone in the background, completely oblivious to the sweet moment. Guess we'll have to wait for baby's first text message to actually get daddy's attention.
Now that Isaac's got his hair did, it's time to hang with Javi. They all have a ball at the arcade, and Isaac gets a plastic dinosaur -- so basically, he's totally sold on mom's new pal. "Just so you know, I'm not looking to jump into a relationship anytime soon," Kailyn says point-blank. "I don't want to introduce Isaac to anymore boyfriends. He's like my best friend," she explains. "Well, you're going to be mine," Javi says sweetly. Geez, the way I'm gushing you'd think he gave ME a dinosaur. I guess watching happiness creep into Kailyn's life has me all second-hand smitten. Finally, a male role model on 'Teen Mom 2' ... quick, look outside to see if pigs are flying!
"Teen Mom" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.