05/07/2013 12:13 am ET Updated Jul 01, 2013

'Teen Mom 2' Reunion: The First Two Victims, Kailyn And Jenelle

It's time for the teen moms to sit down with someone who really cares about remaining kind of relevant them. Welcome to the reunion special with Dr. Drew, where he promises to further exploit -- but never solve -- any problem in an hour flat. Oh, perhaps I shouldn't be so sardonic. As you recall, Dr. Drew does have a wonderful track record of healing celebs, if you overlook the five that died after joining "Celebrity Rehab." (May I respectfully submit "Guess You Can't Save 'Em All" as next season's updated title?)

But at the end of the day, we're not here to torment Dr. Drew: We're here to learn about prevention. Remember, dear readers, that if you have sex, you will probably die. And if you don't die, you'll end up on a show like "Teen Mom 2" ... and that's like decomposing with a pay check.

After watching the montage of her vicious behavior toward Javi, Kailyn looks thoroughly disappointed with herself ... and it's not because she caught a glimpse of her Forever 21 blazer. "I'm embarrassed. I have not put my hands on him in a long time," she says simply.

When Dr. Drew inquires about the state of their marriage now, her face registers no emotion, and she doesn't crack the tiniest sliver of a smile. Either girlfriend got some of that do-it-yo'self Botox, or someone let Kieffer and Jenelle measure out her meds. "Good. It's really good," she says stoically, like a politician's wife at his post-scandal press conference.

Since Dr. Drew hasn't reduced Kailyn to tears yet with his therapeutic staring and concerned blinking, he decides to hit her where it hurts: Isaac. More specifically, why she perpetuates a double standard of allowing him to hang with Javi, but not Jo's girlfriend, Vee.

Kailyn says that Vee dug her own drug tunnel when she "decided to smoke weed out of a gas mask and let pictures leak all over the Internet." Kailyn refuses to allow her baby around the female version of Snoop Lion (née Dogg).

Dr. Drew casually pretends to take a sip out of his mug that has nothing in it. Have you ever smoked weed before?" he asks in a faux-innocent voice, toying with the cup. Who, me? Try to trap you with your own words? C'mon Kailyn, I'm on your side. I drink my fake beverage one sip at a time, just like you. Kailyn says she's inhaled with the best of 'em, but that she quit when she realized she was pregnant.

Since Kailyn didn't take the bait, Dr. Drew throws another line. "I don't think it's about [the drinking and smoking]," he says with a smirk. Dr. Drew really loves knowing the truth about people he sits with during a televised special. After all, he's always there for them when the camera's not rolling, like during a commercial break or the split-second before they step on stage.

The energy has palpably shifted, and now Kailyn's officially annoyed. Dr. Drew's gotten under her skin like a human version of Proactive (hold the green tea moisturizer). She reminds us that Isaac is her "only family" and that she hates Snoop Lioness with a passion, period. The only fence she'll mend is the one she breaks after shoving it up Vee's ... you get the picture.

"He's everything, and it scares you to take any risk of any kind," Dr. Drew says softly. He explains that he'd like Kailyn to confront her fears and interface with Vee. "What would come out of me meeting her?" Kailyn asks angrily. "Right now I want to rip her head off." Dr. Drew is very excited about that possibility, as it would get great pick up in the press the next day. He similarly likes the idea of being around for the reattachment surgery. That'd totally get him at least a five-minute segment on the "Today" show with chief medical correspondent Nancy Snyderman.

With that, Dr. Drew welcomes Jo to the show. Jo has dressed up for the occasion in his very best hoodie; the one with the drawstrings, not the zipper, duh. He says he's trying to keep himself at a "safe distance" from Javi and Kailyn, lest there be "trouble all around." Kailyn says that since she and Jo are either doin' it or trying to do each other in, it's best if they just stay the hell away from each other. That must make their significant others feel fabulous!

Since Kailyn and Javi haven't tried to tear each others faces (or clothes) off, Dr. Drew brings the focus back on Isaac. What would happen, he wonders aloud, if Kailyn and Javi try to take Isaac away from Jo? "Javi doesn't have any custody rights over my son," Jo says. Kailyn says she and Javi are simply trying to better Isaac's life ... and Dr. Drew sees his opportunity to pounce.

What if Jo joined the air force, he asks? What if he and Vee wanted to move away? "Well, that's not happening, is it Dr. Drew," Kailyn snaps. "We can figure out a custody agreement that will work for us," she says. She reminds Jo that since he isn't paying health insurance or child support -- two things that Javi apparently contributes to -- Isaac is essentially more Javi's dependent than Jo's son on paper.

"I'd like to bring Vee out," Dr. Drew says abruptly. Kailyn looks about as thrilled as the record label that was forced to hear Jo's first rap mix tape (read: not thrilled), but she begrudgingly agrees to share the stage with Vee.

To ensure that Kailyn doesn't actually go all female-Hannibal on Vee, she moves to the couch with Dr. Drew. "This is actually a big moment," Dr. Drew reminds us, because Vee and Kailyn have never shared the same space. "Whatever," Kailyn replies.

Vee does her best to approach the couch on her big-girl heels without falling over: a feat made slightly harder by all the air wafting in and out of her cool-in-2008-ripped jeans. It seems she's so nervous that half her top has fallen off -- oops! Sorry, I just mistook really horrific taste for a wardrobe malfunction, my bad! She's actually supposed to look like she just barely survived some sort of an attack.

"I've never done anything intentionally to make you not like me," Vee says. "When I do see Isaac, I'm sittin' there hangin' out with Isaac. I have nieces and nephews and I know what's right to do in front of children. I work at a day care, actually," she says nervously. Bad move, girlfriend. That's like telling a professional chainsaw juggler that because you once held a few things and nobody died, you're ready to join their act.

Kailyn's not impressed; she just can't get past the photos of blunts on the web. "At the time, I wasn't even with Jo," Vee says defensively. "That was two years ago." Though everything Vee's saying about mistakes she can't erase makes sense -- and those in glass houses who don't wear condoms shouldn't throw stones -- Kailyn's over it.

She reminds Dr. Drew that she doesn't want to get to know Vee. Regardless of how normal she seems and how carefully she's choosing her words, Kailyn would not feel comfortable with Vee around her child. "That's insane," Vee snaps. "It's kind of hard to change my first impression of you," Kailyn retorts.

Vee says that it's all ridiculous, because they had phone conversations before the photos ever surfaced. Apparently Jo cheated on Vee with Kailyn, and Kailyn called Vee to inform her. Rather than feel ashamed that her man was screwing his baby mama, Vee gets mad. "You were crying on the phone," she says with a nasty tone.

Dr. Drew tries to play devil's advocate, reminding Kailyn that getting to know Vee is in her best interest. With that, Kailyn gets incredibly overwhelmed. She stands up angrily and stalks off stage, trying to tear off her mic. Vee and Jo stifle their laughter, and Vee says that sometimes (sniff, sniff) the stress of dating a teen dad gets to her.

"It's hard," she says, as the tears roll down her face. "At the end of the day it's worth it 'cause he's a great guy" who has cheated on her in the past and who didn't once come to her defense during this whole interview. Still, it's totally worth it, because she gets to come on national TV and remind us that people are still buying "XO" necklaces from Wet Seal.

During the commercial break Dr. Drew lured Kailyn back on stage by giving Javi a handful of Nutella. "I know I'm a lot to deal with, and he just tries to keep me sane," Kailyn says happily. She and Javi are adamant about their love, but the cushion of space between them says otherwise. Javi says that Isaac was a big part of his decision to go to the air force, since he can now provide the best schools and medical care for him. However, he's well aware that he's not Isaac's father -- and he openly admits that he was wary of Jo to start, especially since Kailyn was straightforward about her previously cheatin' heart.

There's no grand show of affection (or even a hug), but I'll assume that their love is so strong that it exists outside the physical realm, in a far-off land called "The Honeymoon Is So Definitely Over."

It's extremely hard for Jenelle to watch footage of herself, and she's crying before her montage even begins to roll. "Mostly seems like the Gary stuff gotcha," Dr. Drew intuits. "He almost killed you," he says point blank. Jenelle informs us that he's been kicked out of the Marines as a result of his horrible actions. "And Kieffer?," Dr. Drew says, 'cause he knows that tears don't get the same ratings as sobs. "When I got his support, then he wanted me to do the drugs," Jenelle says. "That was the first time in my life I've ever tried [heroin] ... and I didn't like it at all ... and I had to go to the hospital like three different times." She says she was strung out for a month, and things only ended because she feared she was on the brink of death.

"Heroin addicts die," Dr. Drew says angrily. "There's no casual heroin use." He asks if she's on anything now, and she says that she's gone cold turkey. Though she's reluctant to give her mom any credit, she admits that Bahhbrahh was there when she needed her most: during the dark days of her brutal withdrawal.

When we return from commercial break, we've got Bahhbrahh on the couch. She's looking lovely in a blue jacket, and is channeling Steve Jobs in her black turtleneck. Though she says she and Jenelle are getting along since her last "rescue," there's a large, less-than-cuddly space between them on the couch.

As Bahhbrahh tells her side of the story, Jenelle is noticeably quiet. She makes no attempt to defend Gary or Kieffer. "I thought she was going to be dead," Bahhbrahh says, breaking down. "Thank you for everything," Jenelle says, smiling for the first time. Even Bahhbrahh looks happier than normal, and she lets a smile rip as she brushes her hair away from her face. You be the bangs you wish to see in the world, Bahhbrahh!

Because things are going so well, Dr. Drew decides to bring up Jace and the custody situation. "He knows his home is with me. He's happy there, he's secure there," Bahhbrahh says. "He's a good kid." It's hard for Jenelle to hear that, and she starts to cry. "Is more visitation for Jace and Jenelle in their future?" Dr. Drew says calmly, well aware of the can of worms he's opened.

Though Bahhbrahh says it's possible for them to spend Thursdays and Fridays together, Jenelle's not having it. She says that those days are "convenient" for Bahhbrahh, and rejects the thought of being simply a weekend babysitter. I'm not sure what she's looking for, but this isn't it. Dr. Drew diffuses the situation, reminding Jenelle of how good she has it. "He's got two of you. He's very lucky," he says simply. It looks more like one and a very depressing half to me ... but then again, I'm not a graduate of Radio and TV Academy, with a minor in Smart Looking Rectangle Glasses.

What did you think of the "Teen Mom 2" reunion?

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