THE BLOG
07/07/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Survivor: Heroes vs Villains: Double Indumbnity

"It's beginning to come apart at the seams already. Murder's never perfect. Always comes apart sooner or later, and when two people are involved, it's usually sooner. ... They may think it's twice as safe because there are two of them, but it isn't twice as safe; it's ten times twice as dangerous. They've committed a murder. And it's not like taking a trolley ride together, where they can get off at different stops. They're stuck with each other, and they've got to ride all the way to the end of the line, and it's a one-way trip, and the last stop is the cemetery."

- "Barton Keyes" (Edward G. Robinson), Double Indemnity, screenplay by Billy Wilder & Raymond Chandler, from the novel by James M. Cain. (This speech undoubtedly Chandler's work.)

As our new episode of Survivor began, while I was still recovering from all the shocks on this week's amazing episode of Lost (Who cares about these dweebs? They've killed off Gin and his pecs! And Sayid! And Sayid's pecs!), over in Samoa, Jerri, having profited from the use of Candice's disloyalty, now suggested cutting her loose, for being untrustworthy. Excuse me? Show me one Insufferable who is trustworthy.

Rupert is furious with Candice for flipping, and he wants her out, so the Pathetics want rid of her.

And Willy Wonka is mad at her for giving the recipe for Everlasting Gobstoppers to Slugworth, so Candy can't even go to the Candy Factory. I haven't seen a Candy this unpopular since Mother's Day at The Spelling House.

Rupert is filling with an emotion not useful on Survivor: Moral Outrage. Jaison made a snit of Moral Outrage work for him against that redneck Hillbilly last season, but this is against Darth Baggins, aka Russell the unwashed pitbull, when Rupert really has only the useless Colby left as an ally. Besides, it's pointless. Darth hasn't the faintest conception of what "Morals" are. There's not a chance he would even understand what Rupert was upset about.

Sure enough, what Rupert leveled as insults, Darth took as compliments. But he turned his scorn on Rupert for the mock-worthy traits of having ideals, ethics, and morals. What a fool.

Darth called Rupert "The Second Coming of Christ," and meant it as an insult. Think about that for a moment. People have called Darth the "Second Coming" of a famous Biblical character also, but a different one. (Actually, Rupert doesn't look so much like The Second Coming of Christ as a Touring Company of Godspell.)

Immunity challenge #1: (The Food Temptations of Not-Christ) It's a double elimination episode. They're trying to wrap this up quicker, so two castaways will be biting the dust tonight. As long as one of them turns out to be Darth, I don't care about the rest.

It was a simple endurance challenge, involving standing on a narrow perch with your arm raised. When you collapse and let your arm down, you dump paint on yourself, just to add an element suggested by the seven-year-old son of one of the challenge designers, right after the kid had watched Home Alone for the thirtieth time.

Jeff offered temptations to lure people into abandoning the struggle for Immunity, the most-valuable thing in the game. Sandra and Darth, both serious game players, abandoned the challenge, and sacrificed immunity, without even learning what the temptation was. I can only assume Darth thought it was a clue to a hidden immunity idol, as any other reason for abandoning the challenge was just reckless egotism on his part. As for Sandra, well, given she never wins individual challenges, even when playing alone, it was probably wise, but I would have waited until I heard what the temptation was. What if it was sex with Darth? Didn't think of that, did you, woman?

The lure which Sandra and Darth had to share was cookies and one glass of milk. Could I ever be thirsty enough to share a glass with Darth Baggins? Well, not for milk!

And this was only one minute into the challenge. I imagine Sandra, at about 30 seconds into it: "I can't stand this torture any longer! I did it! I killed them all!!! And I'm glad they're dead, do you hear me? GLAD!"

At twenty minutes in, Jeff offered donuts, and an iced coffee. Homer Simpson immediately climbed down. But all I could think of was "Iced coffee"? Really? The vile brew is undrinkable hot. Cold, it must be beyond revolting. (The appeal of coffee is one of The Great Mysteries of the Universe to me. Its appeal in any form is unfathomable. It tastes vile, the stench is disgusting, yet ninety percent of the people I know can not function without it. You couldn't pay me to drink it. How do you stand it?)

Jeff added a yuck factor. "I'll give you guys thirty seconds to think about this before I give them to Sandra and Russell." That's right, if someone didn't abandon the serious pursuit of winning this game, Darth would be given donuts to eat in front of them. This was too much for Colby, who clung to his I'm-lamer-than-the-lame-guy-you-voted-out-to-keep-me record by throwing in the towel for donuts, or at least to keep Darth from having any. (I can respect the latter motive. If you can't do something big and meaningful, then do something small and spiteful; just do something! You could burn his socks!)

The Next Temptation offered to The Second Coming was a plate full of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, nacho chips, a bowl of candy, and more milk. Again, a mixed bag. I like a bowl of candy as much as the next diabetic, but I can not stand peanut butter, and would it kill them to serve a nice vodka?

Danielle, Candice, and Jerri all showed what serious players they were by abandoning the seeking of immunity for the new challenge of figuring out how three women share two glasses of milk. Now only Parvati remained to battle The Second Coming for Immunity. The Second Coming spent an hour and ten minutes in the challenge before His divine body betrayed Him, and Parvati won immunity. At the least, He should win the respect of the lame-os lounging around eating sandwiches while He worked His old body to actually try and win the game.

So Parvati is safe. I hate that. She looks smug about it. I hate that more. The Second Coming now sees Himself as The First Going. I don't like that. Jeff then read a clue to the next hidden immunity idol to everyone. Is he trying to start a riotous chase? Has he never seen It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World? I almost expected the clue to end; "it's under a big 'W', a big 'W'."

The clue included a cryptic reference to a "burning bush," which led to the hilarious moment we heard Danielle say: "What's a burning bush?" How soon they forget.

So Sandra, who could remember when her bush last burned, found the idol, but was so scared someone would spot a bulge in her pockets, and not thinking to put it under her hat, where it would be undetectable.), rehid it somewhere else, where someone else could possibly find it, say for instance, the human idol bloodhound, Darth Baggins.

The Second Coming had a wilier idea. He stuck a rock into His divine pocket to create a bulge (how high-school-prom of Him), making it look like He'd found the idol when He hadn't, or that He had a very oddly-placed additional, possibly-divine, penis that was sure happy to be there, when he hadn't. It was the reverse of Sandra's strategy, I hope.

And Darth fell for it, "hook, line, and sinker," to use his expression, although I'd think he was more of "a line to sink the hooker" type of guy.

So the plan became to split the votes, three for The Second Coming, three for someone else, to flush out the idol. But Colby got wind of it and took it to The Second Coming.

The tricky thing is, some of the Insufferables wanted the other votes to be for Colby, while another faction wants Candice out. Colby and The Second Coming, by voting for Candice, could get rid of her, if she's the sacrificial vote, or there could be a Colby/The Second Coming tie.

Tribal Council #1: In defending her treachery, Candice put out the theory that Amanda was "a strong strategic player." Last week, after picking up the immunity idol clue, when Colby told her to give it to Danielle, she did. There was no rule saying she had to give it back. It's why she went home, and Danielle is still there. This is not a "strong strategic player." This is a dunce.

The Second Coming's answer to Jeff''s question about how the idol clue affected camp life was brilliant: "I calmly took My sandals off..." (Note how He tastefully omits the part about the women washing His feet with their hair.) "...and went for a walk in the jungle..." (Not to argue, but if you're going for a walk in a jungle, shouldn't you leave your sandals on?) "...and stayed until I 'felt comfortable'." Lovely. He basically announced He has the idol when He doesn't, without actually lying.

Asked if he thought Colby or The Second Coming had the idol, Darth said: "If they don't, then they gave up." This, of course, is Darth saying he doesn't have it. Vote him out! Also, since Darth doesn't have it, doesn't that mean he "gave up" also? Who is he, then, to point fingers?

Jeff asked if anyone wanted to play an idol, and The Second Coming played a bit of pocket pool with the rock in His pocket, (That is Little Dougie 24 hours a day!) but it was just a superb tease. Candice got sandbagged, voted out by The Second Coming's Imaginary Idol. The Second Coming got His revenge for Amanda by putting a rock in His pocket, and fooling Darth into thinking he could read the bulges in men's pants.

In her exit interview, Candice said: "Karma's a bitch sometimes." Yes, but only sometimes, whereas, Candice, you're a bitch at all times.

Well cheers darlin---- What? There's more? Another half hour? Drat!

So is Darth focused on getting The Second Coming out next, and his plan to winnow out all the Pathetics continues? Well he would be, except it is now clear to him that he is "sharing control" of the tribe with Parvati, and Darth doesn't share power. Which means his real next target is Parvati. And the wild card? Sandra's idol. Since it's still in play, there won't be a new one for Darth to find.

Immunity Challenge #2: "Parvati, it looks like you're ready to give it up," said Jeff, as he also took the immunity necklace back from her. Jeff, she always looks ready to give it up. That's how "The Slut Look" works. I know. I invented it.

This game involved digging up buried pegs (That's called "necrophilia" and "grave-robbing" where I live. My rap sheet is a trifle embarrassing these days.), and working your peg through all the complex slots of a table maze. It's like an orgy in the Queen of Hearts's hedge maze in Alice in Wonderland.

There are eliminations along the way, wall climbing, and a slide-puzzle to be solved. Let's hope the pegs in the slots are at least fun.

Colby was the last to find where his peg was buried. This did not surprise me. I don't think that boy could find his peg blindfolded, using both hands. Colby and Jerri were both eliminated in the first round. Jerri had a lot of trouble sliding a peg though the slots. In her defense, it should be noted that she's only been a lesbian since Voldepussy switched genders a few weeks ago, so she's still new to that end of things.

Darth scurried up the wall in the wall-climbing portion of the event, showing he has even more in common with cockroaches than we previously suspected. It's a scientific fact that Darth Baggins has almost 97% the same DNA as a cockroach. Darth is a cockroach that failed.

You know, it's a full month since The Second Coming broke His toe, and I think He's healed himself. It no longer seems to be much of a factor, as He came in second in the wall-climb. If it had been walking-on-water instead of walking-up-a-wall, He'd have come in first. Sadly, the final leg is slide-puzzle solving, not multiplying fishes and loaves.

And all the joy left. Darth Baggins, with no hidden immunity idol in his grasp, won regular immunity. He's not going anywhere tonight. Double Drat!

Jesus Wept. The gods wept when Darth won immunity, and The Second Coming looked doomed to be The Second Going, as a monsoon smote the tribe with heavy rains and wind as they trudged back to camp.

Parvati was spouting evil sense to Danielle and Darth, that they need to take out The Second Coming and then Colby, so there are no Pathetics left to look nicer to a jury at the end. What she was saying made perfect sense. It had only one flaw, to Darth's way of thinking: he wasn't the one saying it. Therefore all he heard was Parvati and Danielle running things, and giving him orders. So his weird little brain began translating "Vote The Second Coming out" into "Vote Parvati out."

So Darth went and told Danielle all the reasons why she should turn on Parvati, none of which she bought. She told him "I trust you 110%," lying both about her loyalties, and about how much percentage there is of any one thing, though the adroit use of an unimaginative cliche.

Then he went scurrying off to Parvati to tell her that Danielle was scheming against her, which she mostly isn't. Trying to distract us with disgust, he's now wearing his pants waistband just below his pubic hair. All that's holding them up is pixilation. "I ain't messing with ya, partner," he said, messing with her.

His plan was based on the idea of making them both too paranoid to talk to the other, but Parvati isn't like that. She went right off to confront Danielle. Darth tried to talk her out of it, to threaten her out of it, to cajole her out of it, to warn her out of it, to take her to Disneyland if she'd not do it. All of it made Parvati more suspicious. So she went and talked to Danielle about it. Oh, if only Darth didn't have immunity.

Darth went to get Colby and The Second Coming voting for Danielle. Parvati and Danielle are now totally wise to his paranoid evil. If only they could get that immunity necklace away from him, he is so ripe for plucking now.

And then everyone threatened Jerri over her vote. Gotta give these double-elimination episodes credit: they move.

Tribal Council #2: "Crazy could not describe what happened today," said Parvati. Maybe not. Dopey could describe it. Darth was lying his brain out at Council, while Danielle called him a liar. Out of such cracks fly the hopes of Colby and The Second Coming, further advanced when Danielle began crying over her feelings being hurt - by Darth Baggins, the Prince of Evil. Oh, boo-hoo. This is like sitting in the front row at a Don Rickles show, and then complaining afterwards about being called a hockey puck.

Darth's axe fell, Jerri changed her unchangable vote to Danielle, and Danielle was eliminated. Parvati was furious. Her revenge will now be aimed back at soon-to-be-immunity-challenged Darth. The Second Coming was doing His impression of Buddha.

Having burned his bridges with Parvati, where can Darth go for allies but to the men, as we saw in the previews that ended the hour. Can they forget The Betrayal of JT, and align with Darth?

Can The Second Coming and Satan team up? Wait. Which one is Jacob and which is the Man in Black? (And personal memo to the producers of Lost in re: this week's bloodbath, I mean episode: let this be a lesson to you: too much water always drowns the Gin.)

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.