03/05/2008 03:44 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Poetry Beyond Words: Hypothyroidism, Hysteria, Witches and Suicide

After I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism my doctor prescribed a Thyroid medication that, amongst many wonderful benefits, promised to balance out my emotional state. I was looking forward to it, having reading that "extreme cases of untreated thyroid disease have resulted in suicide." I could relate. I consider myself a fairly normal, well adjusted, engaged kind of person with a life that I love, and it always alarmed me when every now and again I would be swamped with dark and ever so intoxicating thoughts of planning my early exit from the planet. I am also a person who is focused on using everything for my benefit so I took full advantage of the depth of these extreme emotional states and wrote some delicious poetry. Here is one of my favorites:

Fish food

It is always so exquisitely tempting
To walk off a bridge
With rocks in my pocket
And just let the rocks get me down
When they ask why did she do it
You can say:
"The rocks got her down"
You won't have to mention the hypocrisy
Back-handedness apathy fake smiles daggers
And disillusionment...just the rocks

I am happy now
At last I am making my contribution
Fish food and bottom of the ocean fauna
I knew I would make it in the end

S0 my thyroid doctor put me on a dosage of medication that, well, to put it politely, didn't quite suit my temperament. After my first few weeks on it I plunged into one of the 'darkest nights of my Soul' yet, and it took days for me to figure out just what had happened. It was hard on me, but my poor boyfriend I think got the worst of it. This is for him.


You are the hostage of my emotional rampage
Just an innocent by-stander
As the rage of my past hurt abuse and pain
Poison the tenderness of our Love
I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you again
And you stand bewildered by my powerful charge
Never knowing if you will be caressed by my angel kisses
Or seared by my contaminated mouth.

No wonder they killed the witches.

I promptly stopped the medication for fear of not really knowing what I was dealing with. Choosing the devil that I know and appreciating my emotionality for what it is, having glimpsed at the extreme of what it could be. My Doc supported me and reminded me that the world is fine, it is just me that sometimes thinks it is not. He suggested five minutes of writing positive things about myself to help me gain altitude through gratitude. I think I will try it, and my boyfriend will be at the top of today's list.