Dear People Who Make Movies,
You don't know me, but I'm a person who loves movies. I mean, I love them. Nothing makes me happier than a rainy day with no plans and a great Blu-Ray/DVD library at my disposal. Used to be, a rainy day meant actually going out to the cinema. However, thanks to ridiculous prices (more on that in a bit) and sub-quality product, I've been staying in more and more lately.
Now, occasionally you folks still get it right. I enjoyed "Inception" and "The Social Network", because those films were well-made entertainment that kept my interest and actually -- gasp! -- provoked thought. But for every step forward we take with directors like Christopher Nolan and David Fincher, we're suddenly yanked way, way back with the news that they are actually making a movie of The Family Circus. When I first heard about this, I thought it was a joke, which would have been hilarious. However, like many of the punchlines from the strip itself, it turned out to be painfully unfunny.
Who, exactly, has been clamoring for a film based on arguably the most insipid comic strip of all time? Whenever my eyes pass over Family Circus (it's on the way to my favorite, Pearls Before Swine, which has famously skewered FC many times), I end up with gnashed teeth over its bland mediocrity. And now millions of dollars will be spent to make the most annoying cartoon kids ever into the most annoying live-action kids ever. Ooh, harried parents not able to manage their passel of wacky offspring! That's box-office gold, huh? Well...not so much, if you ask the stars of the remake of Yours, Mine and Ours or that destined-to-be-a-classic (not), Furry Vengeance. *groan*
I ask you: Why? Not to sound like Tom Hanks in Big (hey, there's a great movie! Please, please never remake it), but I don't get it. Why not use all that money to... oh, I dunno...make better movies? Call me crazy, but it seems as things continue to get worse in America, so do the movies. I seem to recall from my history books that during the Depression, people would manage to scrape a few pennies together, go to the cinema, and escape their troubles for a spell. They had Clark Gable back then; we get... Billy, Dolly, and Jeffy? Weak sauce.
Listen up, Hollywood: it already costs over ten bucks to buy a ticket. At my local Regal Cinemas, a large popcorn is eight dollars. A plastic jar of Pop Secret kernels costs all of $2.50. And any establishment who charges anything over two bucks for a soda is evil. Soda is cheap stuff, and the markup is obnoxious. No wonder you see so many women at the theater with their "big purses". I haven't bought a beverage or a box of Milk Duds at a concession stand in years. I'm just saying.
So if you're going to blatantly rip us off, at least put something decent to look at in front of our faces. not another reboot of Superman, not another Die Hard (exactly what that franchise should do), but original, daring, innovative, interesting films made by new and emerging talent who actually might bring something new to the screen. We're out here, folks, just ready to take all that wasted Family Circus dough and turn into actual entertainment.
In the meantime, I'll be curious to see who actually pays money to see this thing. One person I know for sure will be in attendance: Not Me.