09/16/2014 12:00 pm ET Updated Nov 16, 2014

So, Your Son Is In Preschool

David Atkinson via Getty Images

In the year of our savior Reggio Emilia, there did a monster reign.

He walked amongst them unnoticed at times. Peaceful. Quiet. As with Play-Doh. And the Trains of Thomas. And Maresol, that fair teacher of Espanol who taketh no crap.

"Things are as they should be," they said, at the Time Known As Drop-Off. And then that time ended and the Time Known As Circle began. A time of great decibel increase and insurrection.


But circle he did not and lo! Two horns did sprout! And that is how, after Tales of the Great Letter 'E,' the Time of Circle did end.

In quiet voices, they said, "Line-eth up, ye who would travel to the far reaches of the Kingdom." But Line-eth he did not, especially since he was not made Leader of the Line-eth. First, he ziggethed. Then he zagethed. And then he pushed him known as Zachary who yelled unto him, "I'm first and you're NOT!" And lo, his feet they did become cloven hooves!

Upon reaching the far reaches of the Kingdom, the Time Of Outdoor did begin. In which sand was thrown far and wide, but mainly into Katie's eyes, and tag, it was played until Carter yelled, "We don't like you!" and Gregory confirmed this and yelled, "YEAH!"

And lo, he grabbed his shovel and smacked it down, which brought a voice like thunder that said "Yellow light!" and then he stomped his cloven hooves and shrieked and the voice commanded, "Red light!" But he looked both the yellow light and the red light in the eye and laughed and into the Out Known As Time he was placed. And they tisked and clucked and remarked, "'Twas no shovel he had, but a pitchfork."

As the Time of Outdoor ended and the Time of Snack began, he no longer walked amongst them unnoticed, but like a sharp piece of Lego stuck in their feet.

After the Time of Potty, he washed his hands and his clothes and the floor and those around him. And then poopeth he did go. Not on the potty, but behind the potted plant. Because it was safe. And they sighed deeply and whispered the Prayer of the Pull-Up and wiped and wiped and wiped and called up the Gods of Sanitation and wiped some more.

During the Time of Clean Up, there did occur a kerfuffle between him and Jeffery and Marcus and Quincey that shook the rafters. Then, using a bardic lute, he sang of the kerfuffle to others over meade juice, but not before they put him in the Zone Known As Chill and told him to sloweth his motor.

"The Transitions, they will be the death of us," they did mutter, and said five Hail-Maria-Montessori's for good measure and then finally -- OH FINALLY -- it was The Time Known As Lunch, and then they did wave their magic organic carrot and sprinkled Impulse Control Crumbs, but the Impulses, they were NOT Controlled.

After much pillaging and plundering -- beware the ides of sunflower butter in your hair! -- and much shrieking by Jill and Mary Beth, a noble knight arrived at last to purge the kingdom of the devil.

In she strode, wielding the sword of 1-2-3 MAGIC and the awesome power of love, and she looked into the face of chaos and commanded, "Come."

And he went. Cloven hooves into Stride Rites. Horns receding.

And they sighed with relief, for they had survived another day with that plague of school systems in kingdoms everywhere.

That beast that goes by the name: