Look, clearly this has been a tough week for all of us. But a year ago Michael Jackson died and so did Farrah Fawcett and somehow we managed to move on. So, even though the eternal love that was Jake and Vienna's has somehow gone sour, we are just going to have to look ahead to what will surely be a more eternal love between Ali and her reality TV soul mate.
This week, Ali and her suitors set out to heat up Iceland. Ali was somehow certain she was going to fall in love in there, while her biggest concern was whether the guy would love her back. My biggest concern was whether there would be enough hot tubs in Iceland to accommodate all of her making out needs.
1-on-1: A Case Against Love Poems and Matching Sweaters
The guys wrote love poems to compete for the one-on-one this week. They were pretty painful to listen to -- even in excerpts. Whistle Blower Craig rhymed, Chris L. was cute, and Chris N., who finally got some screen time this week, was super awkward and boring. From his poem: "This is pretty much me, wanting to get to know you/ And uh I forgot the rest of my lines." At least the mystery of why he's been getting the edit shaft has been explained. Kirk touched Ali's face during his poem and Frank held her hand, so they were the front runners, with Kirk winning in the end.
On their date, Ali and Kirk bought matching sweaters. (Groan.) She marveled over the fact that Kirk " has this joy for life that's infectious." For Ali's sake, I hope that's all he has that's infectious. Kirk and Ali had lots of fun and Kirk said he felt like he could bring his "inner child out" with her. Then, things got real when Kirk told Ali about the time he'd been terminally ill. She gave him a rose and they made out by candlelight.
Group Date: The Cowboy Advantage
The date began with some horseback riding and all the guys were jealous of Ty's cowboy skills. Then they went to explore a cave and Chris L. volunteered to go first to show Ali he was a man. He also gave Ali his gloves, which obviously made her go gaga. Frank sulked in a corner because he couldn't get alone time. Ali noticed but was like: whatever, "I have other guys here who want to get to know me."
Then, they went to the steamy hot-tub-esque Blue Lagoon which was, according to our over-exaggerating friend Frank, "the coolest place I've ever been to in my entire life." Ali got cozy with Ty in the water where they -- um -- hugged a lot and all the guys had sufficient time to be jealous of him. Then Ali made out with Chris L. for a bit and Frank kept freaking out about all the time she was spending with other guys.
Frank finally got some alone time with Ali, and told her he envisioned a future with her. Ali wanted Frank to make more of an effort and show her that he was there for her blah blah blah ... Frank said he had a "wake up call" that he had to "fight for her."
After a long rambling speech, Ali gave the rose to Ty for being a horse-whisperer who was also good at sexy bathing suit cuddling. Frank seethed.
Cardboard Kasey explained that he was waiting for "the right moment" to show Ali his tattoo. Sadly, there never is a right moment to show the woman with whom you've been on one date that you got a tattoo in her honor. Conversely, any time is the right time to creep someone out. And the sooner the better, I guess.
When he found out he would be going on the two-on-one date with Justin, Kasey freaked out to Frank, who kept encouraging Kasey to show Ali the tattoo -- so he'd get booted off, methinks. Kasey explained that he liked feeling pain, but was "tired of the emotional pain". (So ... what kind of pain does he like? Scratch that, I don't want to know.) Frank told Kasey it was his time to shine (show his true creepiness) and send The Wrestler home (get sent home himself).
In preparation for the date, Justin got his cast taken off so he could ditch the crutches for a supportive boot. Readers, help me out here. What's hotter: a stalker tattoo or a supportive boot?
2-on-1: Deluded and Deluded-er
Ali, Justin and Kasey began the date by taking a helicopter (helicopter!) to a volcano, where they watched it explode, made up metaphors and made me wonder when this was filmed. Kasey compared the volcano to Ali's beauty and Justin compared it to the volcano of doubt brewing in Kasey's mind. Then they went to "explore" a glacier.
Justin and Ali had time alone in a cave with candles while Kasey waited outside in the snow and talked about guarding and protecting Ali's heart. (Note: If you were playing the "guard and protect" drinking game, you were drunk by this point.) Justin's strategy was to act like a nice, normal person and it seemed to work.
Then Ali went outside to sit in the snow with Kasey. She explained that "the only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." Obviously, he wasn't capable of that. He showed her his tattoo and she said, "Thank you Kasey for being you" and then she gave Justin the rose. They rode off in the helicopter, leaving Kasey alone in the vast expanse of ice -- vast and expansive like his issues.
Ali's dress wasn't that bad, but it had a massive glitter bow-strap thing, and she also wore a sparkly gold bracelet. Girl loves her glitter. Happily, her makeup was fine and her hair was passable -- I've been on the treadmill for an hour passable, but still passable.
At the party, Frank told Ali he was going to make an effort to be "by her side" and they smooched. Whistle Blower Craig was nervous. He gave a speech at his law school graduation in front of a couple thousand people and "wasn't this nervous." Maybe that's because now he was on television talking about his feelings in front of a couple million people? He showed Ali a fake Kasey-tattoo he'd drawn on his arm, which made her laugh and call him great.
Ali had a super awkward conversation with Chris N. He told her his guilty pleasure was Mexican food. Chris L. thought he'd been too guarded and wanted to open up more so he talked to Ali about his dad and his willingness to move anywhere for love. Ali told Roberto that in the non-Bachelorette world they wouldn't have dated because, "I would have thought you were too hot for me." Roberto kissed her and her didn't disagree.
Ali and Chris Harrison sat down for a little heart to heart before the ceremony. Chris was like: before we get started ... let's do an Iceland plug because that was part of the deal in letting us film in all sorts of cool places and probably get financial incentives to help tourism! Ali said she thought the country was "extraordinary" with a big grin that said, "I'm available for other promotional opportunities."
Then she got serious and told Chris she felt like something was holding her back. Relationship guru Chris thought she was afraid to let herself fall in love and Ali realized she was terrified she wouldn't be loved back. Chris told her to let go of her fear, Ali was psychologically cured and they hugged it out. "This is getting really real for me," she said.
Booted: Chris N. obviously. There was no question that it wouldn't be him and Kasey (who got old weeks ago). In the limo (Hey they brought the Bachelorette limo all the way to Iceland!) Chris N. said he was feeling, "the worst pain that anybody ever wants to experience" ... as opposed to the worst pain that you don't want to experience? He and Kasey should start a club for very selective masochists.
Week Six Drinking Game:The word "girlfriend" and the word "real."