03/03/2011 07:49 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Why My Cat's Not Married

Tracy McMillan's recent article "Why You're Not Married," in which she lists all the character flaws that make single women un-marriageable, has elicited rebuttals from women and men and more women. But McMillan made me realize someone in my life is not married precisely because of her poor behavior and personality -- my cat. Below is a list I've compiled, to show dear kitty the err in her ways. (Unfortunately, she is illiterate -- one of the many reasons no one will ever love her. But hopefully this will help you or a woman you love -- or would love were she not so messed up.)

Why My Cat Isn't Married:

1. She might be a cat, but she is a b-i-t-c-h. When people try to get close to her, she runs away. When they try to get space, she scratches them with her claws.

2. She has never had those claws manicured, nor has she had her excessive body hair waxed, lasered, or shaved. She hasn't even had her facial hair removed.

3. She doesn't wear clothes, which screams "I am a slut who is not wife material!"

4. She is very content to lick herself and appears to neither desire nor require a partner in this activity.

5. She is painfully antisocial. She never leaves the apartment. She doesn't have a Facebook profile. She doesn't even know how to text, let alone sext.

6. She only eats one thing: organic dry cat food. With such an unadventurous palette, she makes for a horrible dinner date.

7. She doesn't have any hobbies to make her an interesting person. All she does is eat, sleep and chase aimlessly after the light from a laser pen.

8. She has never held down a job, opened a bank account or paid her taxes. She is, financially speaking, a mess.

9. She only associates with men who are all wrong for her: my boyfriends (unavailable), the middle-aged super (not age appropriate) and handymen who show up once, never to return (clearly not looking for commitment).

10. Come to think of it, the closest relationships she's had have been with me and other female owners. And legally, kitty's not going to be able to swing a marriage like that.

Sadly, this means I am going to have to stop spending so much time with my cat. I'm never going to get married if I keep associating with toxic single friends like her. Instead, I am going to spend even more time watching The Bachelor, to learn from the true pros.